SCRUBS: THE NEXT GENERATION
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: The maiden voyage of the U.S.S. Sacred Heart...
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: (Untitled)**

A small shuttle heads from the Federation Starbase in orbit around Earth. Piloting it is a petit blond girl in yellow uniform.

"Is this your first time in a Galaxy class vessel, captain?" she asks.

"Look, doll face-"

"Lieutenant Reid."

"What ever. I seem to have given you the impression I wanted to engage in friendly banter, when in reality the amount I care about what you have to say is so small you'd need a microscope the size of the moon to find it, so let us both occupy this death trap until board. What do you say?"

Lt. Reid bites her lower lip before continuing, "You're gonna like it."

He holds his hands together behind his back while turning to look out the windows to the shuttle, "Yes, it's a real piece pf ship."

There, in a holding structure in orbit, in the ship; Earth behind it.

…

The crew stands about the Main Shuttle Bay, chatting. The captain comes walking in at a fast pace toward the podium situated not far from the shuttle he arrived in.

Lt. Reid raises the an electronic whistle hanging around her neck, and blows it in notes of old maritime tradition, "Captain on the deck!"

They all still talk as the captain stares at them from the podium.

"Hush!" she yells; some quiet down.

"Folks," the captain speaks, "unless you all want to spend the rest of the year scrubbing intake manifolds on Excelsior Class vessels, I suggest you all shut the hell up!"

They all quiet down.

"I tried," says Lt. Reid nervously.

"Trying is nothing if it produces failure, Lt. Reid."

"Oh," in a shy tone.

He picks up a datapad and presses a button, then reads it, "To captain Robert Kelso, stardate 100201 … you are hereby requested and required to take command of the U.S.S. Sacred Heart of this date. Signed, Rear Admiral Simon Reid, Starfleet Command.

So, there you go, I'm your new captain," he forces a smile while eying his new crew, and comments in a barely audible voice, "Lord, look at all the scragglers," and picks up his voice, "Well? Just don't stand there – go fix things, warp space, explore strange new worlds and yadda yadda yadda."

They start to disband and head out.

Captain Kelso yells, "I'd like to see all key personnel on the bridge in 30 minutes. Move!"

The exit quickly.

"When I say _move_, you jump, Lt. Reid."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry, be gone!"

She scurries off.

…

An officer with pale white skin and also in a yellow thinks to himself while walking down a corridor, "Working on a starship is a bit like at a factory; each person serves as a key element in maintaining status quo and making sure things get done."

Captain Kelso catches up to the officer, "Ah, commander Jada."

"Captain, please call me Dorian."

"Commander Jada, I read in your personnel profile that you're some kind of robot?"

"Actually, to be technical, I am an android."

"Android, robot, what ever. If it doesn't have a live, beating hear pumping blood through it's veins, then it's not human."

"That hurt, sir."

"Get used to it. If you're gonna learn to be human, you got to learn to tolerate other people's views and opinions, no matter how stupid they are."

"Even-"

"Except mine. Mine are based on unfortunate decades of life experience and my broad intellect and book smart. They are infallible, Mr. Jada."

"Yes, sir."

They enter a turbo lift.

"Sir – even if factually proven wrong?"

"Never happens."

The doors slide shut.

…

The doors slide open again to reveal the bridge.

"Captain on the bridge!" Reid yells in a sharp, high pitched tone. People cover their ears. She slaps her legs together and arms at her sides; she looks up slightly.

Captain Kelso says dryly, "As you were," and looks around. "Where the _hell_ is my second in command?"

Reid speaks up, "Um, Commander Cox is en route. He's on the U.S.S. Hood."

"But my bridge crew isn't complete," he says angrily, "Lt. Reid, this is your fault!"

"Oh," sadly.

"I've already met my third in command, Mr. Jada, so let's see who else we got here that I'll have to learn the names of."

"Carla, Chief Medical Officer."

"Ah, Dr. Espinosa, last doctor who operated on me removed my heart," Kelso raises an eye brow.

Without a wavering facial expression she replies, "I see that coal is working just fine."

"Clever," moves on, "and just who might you be?"

In a tight, one-piece maroon suit with boobies popping out, "Counselor Jordon Sullivan."

"Miss Sullivan, it's my understanding that you are half Betazoid, correct?"

"Yeah, that's right," with her arms folded in an attempt to cover her cleavage, which he is eying.

"Well," he looks up, "let me save you the trouble – I don't need counseling, and I prefer if you _NOT_ read my mind. My personal thoughts are my own."

"Too late, you're pissed off," she replies.

"You're damn right I'm pissed off; I was promised a crew, not a bunch of Cardassian-whiped Bajoran cadets. Now, which one of you pinheads in my chief engineer?"

"That would be me, sir; Lt. Turk" with a smile.

"Son, take that hairband off your eyes."

"It's not a hairband, sit, it's a V.I.S.O.R."

"And just what the hell is a V.I.S.O.R.?"

"Born blind, sir. It helps me see."

"Good god, a blind man in charge of my ship's well being. Somebody phaser me, now."

"Sir, as chief of Security, I highly recommend not phasering yourself," says Lt. Reid.

"That was a rhetorical comment, Lt. Reid. It would be best if you didn't speak often."

"Oh," weakly.

"Sir, Lt. Reid only had your best interest in mind," says Jada.

"What's that? Are you defending her? Perhaps you two would like to go to 10-forward and have brunch."

"Actually, that would be nice," says Reid.

"Really?" asks Jada.

"I was being sarcastic," says Kelso.

"Ah, sarcasm: irony, satire, caustic remark. A vernacular insult disguised in amiable speak; to-"

"Shut up," says captain Kelso.

"Yes, sir," and then Jada begins thinking internally as Kelso walks about the bridge, "I have noticed that in many situations when people tend to be sarcastic, what they are really doing is covering up their own insecurities and trying to assert dominance over others. But in time, they ease up and get to know you."

"C3PO, take the helm and go fetch me my damn commander!" Kelso yells to Jada.

"Of course, it takes others sometimes longer," then says aloud, "Aye, sir," turns around and sits at the helm; presses some buttons, "intercept course laid in for the U.S.S. Hood."

"Engage the damn thing," says Kelso.

The Sacred Heart warps away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: (untitled)**

"Commander Jada, what is our estimated time of arrival?" asks Kelso.

"At our current speed and heading, I estimate we will rendezvous with the U.S.S. Hood in approximately three hours and fifty-two minutes."

"Very good. Why don't you head out down to engineering and assist Lieutenant Turkleton; I hear he's having problems with warp plasma inducers."

Aye, sir," and Jada gets up and eventually enters the main turbo lift, "Engineering."

…

The lift doors wisk open and J.D. walks to the ones to Main Engineering. They are open and a repairman in grey uniform in on a anti-gravity lift a foot or so in the air, repairing them.

"Hey, what is going on?"

"The door is broke," he says, looking at it, then Jada, "fifth or sixth time this week. It won't close."

"Maybe somebody stuck a strip of gold-pressed latinum in there."

Almost pissed off, "Why a strip of latinum?"

"I do not know."

"Did you stick a strip of gold-pressed latinum in there?"

"No, I was just attempting to make small talk and further expand on my quest to become more hu-"

Points a weird tool at him, "If I find a strip of gold-pressed latinum in there, I'm takin' your shiny metal ass down."

Jada looks at him weirdly and proceeds into engineering. He stops short of chief engineer Turkleton and analyzes what they are doing.

"Well, Lt. Doug, looks like we're gonna have to realign the power grid. Guess we'll be burning the midnight oil."

"That would be inadvisable," says Jada.

"What?" looks up, "Holy lord! Night of the Living Dead!"

"Excuse me?"

"It's a joke, you know," says Turk.

"I am unfamiliar with your cult reference."

"First, it's not a cult film; secondly – who's never seen Night of the Living Dead?"

"Night of the Living Dead? Is that a Klingon play?"

"Look, I started off on the wrong foot and I apologize. Hi, I'm Chris Turk, chief of engineering. I read your bio from the incoming crew manifest."

"Ah. Is this where we exchange pleasantries?"

"Dude, you gotta stop being so uptight with your language and what not. You could say _'hey'_ or _'hi'_ or even, _'yo – what's up?'_."

"Yo, what is up?" says Jada.

"Nah, make it _'what's'_ – it's more smooth like."

"Unfortunately, my positronic brain does not allow me to process contractions."

"Uh oh…" comes Doug voice from the ground, "Ahhh … Mr. Turk, I did it again."

"Damnit boy. How do you keep breaking my coil spanner?"

"This piece just sort of fell off and-"

"Never mind. Look, eh, why don't you go perform a Level One Diagnostic on the environmental systems," order Turk.

"Okay," and Doug start to walk off.

"Controls are that way, Doug," and Turk points in the opposite direction.

Doug wonders passed them quietly, with his head down.

Jada looks at Turk and comments, "That Lieutenant appears to be lacking in his duties."

"Don't I know it. Here, follow me."

They head for the engineering platform lift.

"You said you read my bio. Why?"

"Well, according to the rank system, you're fourth in command, and I try to get to know anybody in the higher ups."

"Higher ups?"

"People who out-rank you. The ones who have the potential to promote you sooner rather than later."

"Ah. I believe the appropriate slang tern would be: ass kisser."

Turk turns around and points a datapad at him, "Hey, there's nothing wrong with an occasional bit of butt smoochin'. You remember that when you're still at the helm seven years from now."

"I see."

"I thought so. Wanna play liftzies?"

"Liftzies?"

"First person to the platform lift wins!"

"Wins what?" asks Jada.

Turk runs over and jumps onto the lift.

"Ah ha! I win!" and does a dance.

Jada walks over to the lift and steps in, "I am unfamiliar as to the nature of this game."

"Computer, level four," and the lift ascends, "dude, what part of liftzies are you not getting?"

"Everything. Except the part of you winning. I am quite familiar with that piece, though I am not sure what it was that I saw when your body convulsed. Perhaps the doctor should see that."

"I'm gonna ignore that, but your damn straight you're familiar with me winning. Look, you pick anything and the first person to touch it, or eat it, or what ever, wins."

"So, does this make me your bitch?"

"Without question. I'll make you a deal – you ease up on the formalness of your language and I'll teach you how to fit in and be human."

"That would be an acceptable-"

Turk raises an eyebrow.

Jada tilts his head and thinks for a second, "I mean … right on, player. _'Player'_ is the correct vernacular slang?"

"Yes it is," and just then the lift stops and he exits; Jada follows. "Have you ever worked on a warp plasma inducer?"

"Right on, homie."

"I'll take that as a yes. First thing we got to work on is your choice of words and – OH!"

"Are you all right?"

"There's pain in my V.I.S.O.R.!"

"Do you require medical assistance?"

"Yeah, I think so…"

Jada taps his communicator badge, "Lt. Dorian to Sick Bay; medical emergency. Computer, emergency medical transport."

"What the?" and they transport away.

…

They rematerialize in Sick Bay.

"Dude, that was widely unnecessary," says Turk.

"Sorry. I mean, my bad."

"Sooo … this is the medical emergency?" says Carla.

"An overreaction on my part," says Jada.

"I got pain in my head," says Turk.

"Hummm … probably from using your brain," pulls open a medical tricorder.

"Excuse me woman?"

"Excuse yourself. I run a busy office down here. I got personnel medical files to update, staff rotation schedules to figure out, culture samples to finish, an office to organize, and you two just transport in here expecting me to drop everything because your heads hurts? Migraine supplements are issued from any replicator, you know."

"Incase you didn't notice, I got this thing over my eyes!" and points at it.

"And a big-ass mole on your upper lip," and puts her puts her hands on her hips.

"Turk, would she be known as what's referred to as a _'ho'_."

"What?!" says Carla.

Captain Kelso's voice comes over the comm, "Lt. Jada to the bridge. No dilly dallying."

"Excuse me, but I must go."

"You're damn lucky, robot."

Jada walks off without replying.

"Hey! Don't be hatin' on my mechanoid."

"I'll be hatin' on whatever I want."

"Girl, what is up with you? Maybe you should have your staff scan your head."

She sighs, "Sorry. I'm just frustrated. Half my staff is on the Hood and the captain expects most of this to be done by tomorrow."

"Look, your staff is only two hours away and if Kelso is like any other captain, he doesn't read the full report anyway. So do half of it, then fake the rest. He'll scan over it and that's that. You can finish the rest later and alter the records then."

"I'd need level three security clearance to alter records though."

"Look no further – chief of engineering, baby. I gots the codes to it all."

"Just like you engineering types. Do what ever you please and pat yourself on the backs for it."

"So I guess this means no to dinner at my quarters tomorrow nights?"

"Yep," she says.

"Yep? Woman, did you happen to notice this fine, well-tuned bod that lies before you?"

"You're awfully sure of that physical assessment for a blind man."

"That was cold, but you know what? I forgive you," lifts his chin up, when saying it. "Now, could you please check out my head? It feels like a problem with the visual receptors.

"You don't blink much, do you?"

"Why would I do that?" says Turk sarcastically.

"Probably just an optical overload."

"See? That's those mad doctor skills ya got."

She loads a hypospray, "This should relax the optic nerves. In the mean time I suggest taking the V.I.S.O.R. off occasionally for release from stimulus; give your brain a rest."

"No problem, doctor sweet thang. Just give me the shotizzle in my armizzle."

She injects him.

"Ow! My armizzle!"

…

…  
Jada steps onto the bridge. When he's just about at the helm, the relieving officer leaves his seat.

"Mr. Jada, what do you make of out sensor readings?" asks captain Kelso.

Quickly presses some buttons and reads the display, "There appears to be a vessel in pursuit, on the edge of your long-range sensors. Readings are unconformable. Sir, perhaps it is a sensor echo of our own vessel from the metaphasic distortions of the nearby nebula."

"Perhaps," with his hands behind his back, looking at the view screen, "I want to keep an eye on that. Lt. Reid, tactical status?"

"All the bars appear to be at 100."

"All the bars," and rolls his eyes, "sweet cheeks, just make sure the damn things work incase we should have to go into battle."

"Charming, captain," says counselor Jordan.

"Bite me Betazed. Mr. Jada, estimated time 'till the Hood?"

"One hour, forty-two minutes, fifty-three seconds."

"I'll be in my ready room. Lt. Reid, you have the bridge, sadly."


	3. Chapter 3

"Captain's log; stardate 100201. Last status report showed the sensor ghost still in pursuit. Whether friend of foe remains yet unseen.

So far no catastrophic systems failure, but I have found myself having to program in basic tea recipes into the replicator.

So far my new crew isn't what I was expecting. Trying to pretend to like them is hard and I'm finding it difficult to come up with a better way to say _who gives a crap_. Actually … that wasn't half bad.

The comm. Interrupts, "Lt. Dorian to captain Kelso."

Puts down a muffin, "Go ahead."

"ETA to the Hood, one minute."

"Thank you Mr. Jada. Computer, end captain's log," he gets up and walks away. A few seconds later he reaches back down for the muffin and frantically takes bites from it.

…

Kelso enters the bridge and Lt. Reid stands up from the captain's chair, "_**Captainonthebridge**_!" in a quick, shrill high-pitched voice.

"Good god!" says Kelso, who rubs his ears as he walks to the chair.

She walks around the half-crescent tactical command station and as doing so, her replacement walks away.

He sits in his chair.

Reid speaks, "Sir, we're within transporter range."

"Good. Mr. Jada, put us side-by-side with the Hood. Lt. Sullivan, I want you to personally go down to ten-forward and have the barkeep fix this," hands her a scrawled drink mix note, "it's for the captain; we used to be friends."

Jordan replies sarcastically, "Would you also like me to feed your fish?"

"Read this," and he looks at her maliciously.

"Ehhh," rolling her eyes.

"Ahhh, what's that? No funny rebukes to spew?" raised eyebrows, which go back down, "Get going."

She grumbles as she makes her way to the turbolift.

"Receiving transmission from the Hood, sir. Commander Cox is requesting permission to come aboard, and says he doesn't mean that dirty. I don't get it."

"Granted. Tell him to hurry and transport his butt over here and Lt. Reid…"

"Yes, sir?" in a quiver.

"You have the bridge again."

…

The doors to Transporter Room 3 whisk open and captain Kelso walks in.

"Is he ready?"

"Standing by, sir," says ensign Shawn.

"Energize."

Silver shimmering points of light twinkle at millions of places and fade, leaving the first officer.

"Commander Percival Cox?"

"No, I'm the Easter Bunny."

"Funny. We frown upon funny here, Commander."

"Does that mean I _don't_ get to play my Whoopi Goldberg's Greatest Comedy Hits program? Gosh darnit, how will I ever find the will to live. Oop – there it is."

Brushing that off, Kelso speaks, "I'm captain Robert Kelso. I picked you specially from a log list of talented potential officers."

"And why was that, big Bob?"

"Because that one smudge on you record where you defied you captain's orders. In spite of doing so, you saved his life, and others."

"I did what had to be done. IT was the right move and I couldn't wait for him to come to his senses."

"That's why I picked you. I have a tendency to be a hard ass and one day – may it never come – I may need someone to put me in my place and save my old ass."

"Well, thank you, Bob-O. Put 'er there," and extends his right hand.

Kelso reaches down and before he grasps for a shake, Cox pulls back.

"Oh! Oh, too slow Bob-O."

"Yes, hilarious. Now, if you think you can pull some commanding duties, let's take a vertical jaunt to the bridge."

"I'll try my best. Oh, hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and made my first commanding order."

"What? Kelso says with a somewhat angered curiosity.

"I got you Lt. Jada attending to a rather … special guest…"

…

…

Lt. Dorian walks down a long corridor with a highly decorated officer in hand.

"Have you got some reason you want my hands not touching every space in this ship, boy?"

"No, sir. But a man of your age and respect should not have to be troubled with touching every inch of a 52 story vessel."

"Hold on – just how old do you think I am?"

"42, Admiral Casey, by Starfleet records."

"Hum," presses Jada on the nose, "bink."

"'_Bink__'_, sir?"

"Oh, it's just a … what are you anyway?"

"I am an android."

"And Jada stands for?"

"Justified Automaton and Database Android."

"Interesting. I saw Back to the Future once."

"Back to the Future? Sir, I believe the grammatical syntax of that sentence is incorrect."

"Never mind."

"All right, homie," says Jada.

"Homie?"

"Never mind."

Admiral Kevin Casey looks around, "Remodeled ship. Nice job, too. Still has the right name."

"Yes, sir."

"You treat it like a family, and you'll always have a home."

The soft piano theme from Scrubs, by Jay Stevens, plays – with a ST: TNG orchestra. It is suddenly halted by Admiral Casey, "Pickles!"

…

Kelso and Cox step onto the bridge.

"_**Captainonthebridge**_!" Reid shouts in the same high-pitched voice.

"Sweat Kahless – it's the banshee queen," Cox rubs his right ear.

"Mr. Jada, did you signal the Hood with my message?" asks Kelso.

Jada reads it back, "Bon voyage, mon ami."

"And his response," looking at the view screen at the Hood, arms folded behind his back.

"Go lay an egg, Bobby," replies Jada.

Kelso snickers.

"Those people actually like you," says Carla.

"Dr. Espinosa, what are you doing on the bridge?"

"What? I can't be on the bridge because I'm a doctor?"

"No, you can't be on the bridge because you're a woman."

Cox steps in, "What Captain Chauvinism in the 241/2 Century meant was: you're a strong female presence and you intimidate me. Carla."

"Cox," she acknowledges.

"We used to work together," says Cox to Kelso.

"Oh," sarcastically, "let me write that down."

The main turbolift doors whisk open. Counselor Jordon walks in.

Commander Cox turns his head to see whom it is. When he realizes who, he turns the rest of his body and folds his arms, chin up.

Jordan walks slowly toward them, eying Cox the whole time.

Speaking telepathically, "Can you still sense my mind?"

"Yes."

"Good – then go fuck yourself."

"Ehhh, you sexy Batezoid bitch. Read this," to her mind.

Kelso looks back and forth at them, then comments, "Let me guess – you two know each other as well; some kind of damn space orgy."

"Here," she hands Kelso a metallic cylinder shaped like a coffee holder.

"Number one, check this out. It's a rare brew of Romulan Ale. Rip the hair right off you testicles."

"I wasn't aware the job requirements mentioned being a depilous space pansy," says Cox.

"Panzy, sir?" Jada turns around in his helm chair.

Cox growls while squinting an eye wryly, "A queer eye for the pace guy, Lt."

"I am sorry, Coxy, I did not underst-"

"You are definitely not allowed to talk when I am around," turns and sits down. Kelso sits as well.

Jordan stops short of her little chair next to the Commander, "Out of my chair, bitch."

"Excuse me, but I have a name," says Carla.

"Yeah, chair bitch. Now make with the leaving."

"Dr. Espinosa, just let her have the damn seat and save the unnecessary cat fights until the holodeck can be programmed for Jell-O fights," says Kelso.

"Oh, this isn't over, you telepathic hussy," says Carla as she gets up moves away, waving a finger.

"Go program a holographic cliff and jump off it."

"Ladies, as much as I'd like to see a cat fight between my two ex's, I've already got an appointment to have my life fucked up, so … what do ya say ya split up and do your jobs, eh?" says Cox cheerily.

"Fine," says Jordan.

"Number one, you want to give the heading?"

"Kryton, set a course for Glornack 7, warp six."

"Kryton?" asks Jada.

"That's you pasty face; now be a pretty robot and tap in those commands, okay?"

"Yes, sir."

The U.S.S. Sacred Heart warps off into space.

…

"Lt. Jada, is the sensor ghost still in pursuit?" asks Kelso.

"Affirmative, captain Bob."

"Mr. Jada, the only time I want to hear _'Bob'_ come out of you synthetic lips is if your bobbing for apples, and even then I still prefer that you remain mute. It's captain Kelso, always captain Kelso. Now I want you to escort commander Cox to his quarters and show him around."

"Yes, sir. Commander?" says Jada to Cox.

"Hold my hand and I'll slug you."

"I am sorry, I was unaware you required physical contact. Shall I-"

"Igt – I'm sorry, perhaps you didn't hear my order the first time, you know? The thing about _NooOT_ talking in my presence?"

Jada nods his head.

"K.I.T.T., come!" Cox orders as he makes his way quickly to the main lift.

Just as Jada is about to enter the lift, Cox commands, "Computer, emergency close!"

Cox growls as Jada catches the doors and forces them open.

"You appear to have accidentally ordered the doors shut on me."

"That must be it. What deck are my quarters on?"

"Deck 8, commander."

"Deck 8," says Cox and the turbolift kicks up, "you're pretty strong."

"Approximately ten times that of an average human being. Am I permitted to speak now?"

"Limited time only. So, what the hell are ya?"

"I'm an android. My positronic brain consists of biomechanical parts and a neural net; I have an ultimate storage capacity of eight-hundred quardrillion bits. My total linear computational speed has been rated at sixty trillion operations per second. My body is comprised of approximately 24.6 kilograms of tripolymer composites, 11.8 kilograms of molybdenum-cobalt alloys, and 1.3 kilograms of bioplast sheeting. My skull-"

"Too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much talking, too much _taaalKing_.

"Sorry. Sometimes I have a tendency to ramble on-and-on at times. I have been told it is quite annoying. Do you find my babbling annoying? Does it bother you when I speak on-and-on at end and-"

"Yes, dear god all mighty, yes I do. By the Prophets themselves I swear I'll blow your synthetic ass out an airlock if I hear that many words come from you at once, again."

"Sorry. I do endeavor to act and speak more like a regular people, but I have not quite mastered it all that well."

"Well, don't look at me. My job is to command this vessel, take over if Kelso is incapacitated and on the rare fun occasion – order you low pips to your death."

"Oh come on; I do not believe for a second you are all that bad."

"And what makes you so sure?" asks Cox.

The turbolift hesitates momentarily and switches directional heading.

"Your inflections and facial mannerisms. Plus, you have not as yet harmed me."

"Obviously you're not aware of my ear flicking policy," and raises his hand quickly, WHOO-TICK! To Jada's left ear.

"I am not programmed to feel pain."

Cox growls with displeasure.

The lift comes to a holt and the doors whisk open; Cox bolts out at what Jada noticed was a his typical quick pace.

"Sir, I have not even told you where your quarters are!" he follows.

"They're numbered, Sherlock."

"Oh. Hum, Sherlock Holmes…"

The doors to Cox's quarters open and Cox steps in; he looks around at it's speciousness.

"Silky and shinny; I've died and gone to Victoria's Secret."

"Standard issue; they do not look that bad."

"Being as there is no testosterone flowing threw your engineered space nads, I feel the need to inform you of the error in which you just said."

"I do not think my grammar was erroneous."

"No – just your judgment. This is, for the lack of a better word, gay."

"Happy, sir?" asks Jada.

"It needs a man's touch, Hal."

Jada tilts his head slightly in puzzlement, while looking at him, then extends his right hand and second finger – touching the adjacent wall.

Cox cups his face with his hands and rubs it in annoyance.

"What?" asks Jada.

…

…

Carla looks down impatiently at Turk, "You've been fixing my terminal for an hour now."

"What can I say? This thing is broke."

"Broken."

"Actually, sir – I think the screen just needs recalibrating, and-"

"Rej – who told you to talk?" Turk asks Doug.

"Ah…"

"Exactly, now did you finish the diagnostic on the Environmental Systems like I ordered?"

"Well, the computer is doing that…"

"Check the read out levels and make sure they're right!"

"Oh, yeah!" and he takes off running.

"The turbolift is _that_ way, Doug," he points.

Doug comes scurrying by.

"Ah huh…" says Carla.

After fiddling with some isolinear chips he looks at her, "Can you hand me the phase spanner?"

"Here you go."

"Thanks."

"But you know there's no phase coil in my monitor."

He sits up, "All those who are the Chief of Engineering, raise you hand," he raises the hand with the spanner and looks around and declares proudly, "thank you!"

"Franklyn, I think he's lying – what about you?"

Franklyn looks at Turk, "Yup. I think he needs to recalibrate his lying matrix."

"Who are you?" looking at him cocky.

"I'm the head assistant nurse," says Franklyn proudly.

"Don't you have some labs to be techin'?"

"Hey – don't harass my staff; I just got them," says Carla.

"Tell you what – how about you correct me over dinner?"

"No chance in hell."

"Now _that's_ what I'm – what? Why?!"

"You engineers are so slick and cocky."

Frankly chimes in, "Damn straight."

"You hush up," Turk replies to him.

"See there?" says Carla.

"See what?"

"You're immature, probably never been in a real relationship and think you're all that."

"Hey – I'm happy with myself and I think that's a pretty darn good thing to be proud of."

"So what? Compliment me," folding her arms.

Turk thinks for a second and snaps his right fingers, "Baby, were you born on a colony? 'Cause your ass is out of this world!"

"Go run a diagnostic on yourself," she says and walks off.

"What? What did I say?" he calls out. He turns around after a few second and places the phase spanner on the work station, commenting in a frustrated head jolt, "Damnit!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Jada and Turk enter Ten-Forward. Turk notices Carla sitting at the bar while they pass; she doesn't him.

Turk overhears from the bartender, "Damn captains and their self-serving orders. Just wanna sit in my quarters and watch a little Klingon Factor."

They sit at a table.

"So, how goes the unformalness?" asks Turk.

"I called Commander Cox _Coxy_."

"Ew, rookie mistake, but he'll forgive you."

"He flicked my ear in an attempt to inflict pain on me."

"I'd inflict pain upon you too if you called me Turkey."

"How about Browngineer?"

"Borderline, but acceptable -- but don't call me that in front of my subordinates."

"All right … Browngineer."

"Are you ready to order?" asks a server who has approached the table.

Turk replies, "One synthaholic beer for me. How about you?" looks at Jada.

"One appletini. Heavy on the tini."

"Be just a minute," and leaves them for the drinks.

"Now, have you been working on your interpersonal skills?"

"I replicated a cat."

"What, you couldn't just get a real one?"

"I tried to encourage other crewmen with felines to get them to mate, but apparently they take years to reach the maturity levels I require. Also, they slapped me and said _'How dare you'_."

"And how's the relationship been going?"

"It completely ignores my commands and poos feline supplement twenty-five on my carpet."

"It? Is it a _he_ or _she_?"

"I left the sex indeterminate so as to practice my skills on both at one time."

"That's my boy, two birds with one stone."

"Why would I stone birds?"

"It's an expression," says Turk.

"Of violence?"

"It means to do two things at once."

"Ah, I see. My brain is capable of analytically dissecting over 1,000 continuously overlapping conversations and internal though. Just this passed minute I have been pondering the Great Barrier, studying Bach sonatas, interpreting the meaning of life, and talking to you."

Turk smirks and shakes his head, then quips, "You're a smartass, you know that?"

…

"Laverne?" says Carla.

A giant purple/blue hat rises from behind the bar, then revealing Laverne, "Yes?"

Carla eyes the hat for a second, "Ahhh … is it normal to be single for so long?"

"Honey, I've been single for almost two-hundred years. It's made me fat and bitter. Get a man and get one while you can, because when those looks fade, the only thing you'll be able to get are men that look like your grandpa."

"What do you think about him?" she nods her head towards them.

"Honey," she bucklers her chin in to her chest and raises her eyebrows, "I don't think he was built with a penis."

"No, not him, the chief engineer."

"Um hum, got a nice ass, but he dances pretty funny."

She turns around to see Turk thrusting his pelvis in-and-out and pulling his arms forward and back to his chest.

"I win a cupzies. Come on, say it!"

"I am your robobitch."

"Damn straight you are. Now," he sits back down and moves in a little, "was I imagining or did my dead eyes see you ogling that hot security chick?"

"She seems … nice," replies Jada.

"More than nice, you need to ask her out, Jada."

"I might just do that."

The server sets down a tray with drinks, "One synthaholic beer, one appletini, and one Orion's Belt."

"We only ordered two drinks," says Turk.

"Hum, third time that's happened to me today. Sorry," and picks up the extra drinks.

"'s all right," he takes his glass and sips.

Jada stirs his before doing so.

Turk licks his lips and stares out one of the big vertical rectangular windows. After second pass he speaks, "You know … I love my career. Not many people can say that. Think about it – we're actually in space – going to strange new worlds and what not. For hundreds of years man dreamed of doing what we do every second of our lives. Look out there and tell me what you see."

"I see approximately two-million stars, three cluster galaxies, and the Glornackian Nebula."

"You know what I see?"

"Various color bands and spectrums from your V.I.S.O.R.?"

"I see possibilities. Each one of those two-million points of light is a sun; most of which dwarf our sun. And all them got planets just a spinnin' 'round 'em. Each one with potentially tons of little humanoids, who -- I like to imagine – have the same hopes and dreams as we do.

I can't imagine anyone on this ship loosing such interest and faith."

…

Commander Cox stands in the middle of the bridge. He whistles real loudly, "All right, crewmen! Everyone listen up. I can be pretty quick to point out other officer's mistakes but I realize it's important for moral to recognize occasionally when someone does something right. The EPS conduits on deck eight had slight fluctuations in power outage and seemed like a basic recalibrating was needed. But someone took the time to track the power loss to Engineering where it turned out the main power cuplinks were out of alignments, thus diverting a major power failure.

Now, I'm sure some of you are gonna think this is a silly exercise, but I'd like that someone to step forward and stick your hand in the air so that all the personnel can recognize your great work," looks around as puzzled looks, "this … this is no time to be modest. Come now," he looks around while his right hand goes up slowly. He looks at it, then back at the crew but does a quick double-take, "Oh! My Kahless! It was me!" he says all cheery, "I did it, I'm the genius. I'm a huge brain in a ripped-up body, I … am James T. Cox, commander.

Still, I probably couldn't have done it by myself, so I'd like to go ahead and recognize some of the other officers who were involved: there was the Chief Engineer, whom misread the readings; Lt. Roboto, whom with his brain so big, was so preoccupied by Lt. Banshee that he failed to pick up on the error – both of who, by the way, are bozzin' it up in Ten-Forward; and also assistant engineer Ensign Systems Failure over there whom didn't bother to pay attention to the read out either."

"Actually … my name is Doug, sir."

"Your name's gonna be: Help! Help! I can't breathe! It's cold in space! M – my eyes! POP!" shoots all his fingers out like fireworks, "If ya don't shut your yap and do some real work."

"Sir, don't you think you're being a little harsh?" asks Elliot.

"Oh, my bad; here I just assumed people would be doing their jobs so the safety of the ship wouldn't come into error. But you're right – I should de_E__-E-E-__EF_inately listen to a Lieutenant whose been using her tricorder to measure her body's PH level, and don't think I didn't notice that straight off."

"Sweat is disgusting," she replies.

"ANYWAY," folding his arms and faking a smile, "if you could all find the time to do what you signed up for, why – that would just be peachy. WORK!" he yells viciously, then proceeds to the Ready Room.

A minute of silence passes before one of them, Doug, speaks, "Who has the bridge right now?"

"Frick on a stick!" and she rushes to the captain's chair.

…

…

The door chimes in Kelso's quarters; he puts down a P.A.D.D..

"Enter."

Jordan walks in.

"Ah, counselor – what can I do for you?"

"I was wondering if I can request reassignment."

"Why?" in a somewhat pissed tone.

"As you probably know, Commander Cox and I have somewhat of a past together."

"So?" raising an eyebrow.

"And that could affect my judgment and abilities."

"Listen, tough muffin, I think you already sense I don't give a damn. Just suck it up and do what you're supposed to."

"So, none of this bothers you?"

"Counselor, my son just sent me his newest play, via subspace priority channel one. It features him and his effeminate Starfleet command lover, Don Kaslow, in a love triangle which includes a rather specially endowed Tholian. Oh – and did I mention my son if a fairy? Not much tends to bother me around here."

"We used to be lovers. I mean we courted for years and years and I even stuck with him when I sensed he was thinking about my sister during sex. We were going to get married and all that."

"Ah, back when I was a Lt. Commander I remember blah, blah, blah, nostalgic story. Now, live with it and get the hell out of my quarters!"

…

…

"That was okay," comes Turk's voiceover while Kelso watches evilly as Jordan leaves. The view switches to Turk, "But you need a better opening; something that comes from the heart."

"But I do not have one."

"Then be honest, like them Vulcans. Women love that. Tell you what, I'll follow you up there and be your Cyrano."

"All right, but I should warn you – I have a tendency to get really awkward when talking to the hos."

"That's okay, but do us both a favor and not call them that – specially while I'm with you,"

He gets up and Jada follows.

As they walk passed Carla, she calls out, "Lt. Turk, can I talk with you?"

"You're on your own. Best of luck, buddy," and pats Jada on the back.

Jada exits Ten-Forward and heads for a turbolift.

His inner monologue starts, "Browngineer was right, Elliot is _'all that & a bag of super rations'_. Already my first day on the ship and I've made a friend and am going to ask a human out on a date. My internal diagnostics register me as being 100 right now and I am sure nothing can bring that down."

Around the bend he Janitor comes into view. He's waving a strip of gold-pressed latinum, "Tick-tock, Clarice," and eyes Jada evilly as he passes.

Jada enters the turbolift at the end of the hall and comes about quickly, moving his head in sync with the doors as they whisk close – watching the Janitor.

…

"What's up, my Puerto Rican honey?"

"I'm Dominican."

"A honey by any other nationality is still a honey."

"I've thought it over and yes."

"Damn straight yes. Have you seen some of those honies on Risa?"

"I meant the date, but now I'm not too sure."

"Baby, I will forgo Risa for the rest of my life if that's what you want."

"Sweet. A lie, but still sweet. Pick me up at my quarters at 2000 hours," he gets up and heads for the exit.

With a fist of triumph, "Yes!"

…

…

Jada enters the Bridge. He sees Elliot fixing her make up in the reflection of the tactical display.

His inner monologue starts, "Though I lack the programming necessary to feel emotions, I cannot help but detect something about her when I look upon the Lieutenant. It makes me wonder if such beauty was the inspiration for **Paganini's **_**Rhapsody **__**On A**__** Theme**_ or** Leonardo ****Da**** Vinci's **_**Mona Lisa**_."

"Oh my god!"

He moves in quickly, "What?"

"I think I have a pimple!"

He examines her face, "There does not appear to be any facial blemishes visible."

"Oh! Oopsy me – that's a sensor blip," says Elliot.

Jada eyes it and presses a few buttons, then taps his communicator badge, "Lt. Dorian to captain Kelso."

"Go head," his voice comes back.

"The sensor ghost has moved into range of the extended sensors. It's definitely a ship; too far at this juncture to identify. It's maintaining it's newest distance."

"Keep me appraised, Mr. Jada. Captain Kelso out."

He nods and looks at Elliot, "So … of all the girls I have seen, you are the least covered in facial follicles."

"Excuse me?" unsure if she heard that right.

"Baby, would you like to go out on a stardate?"

"What are you trying to do?"

"I am attempting to ask you out."

"You're trying too hard. Don't need all that superficial stuff and corny lines. Just ask from the heart."

"That's what Turk said."

"The chief engineer?"

"Yeah."

"We should hang out, us all together."

"I will inqui … sounds great. Dinner at my quarters then?"

"That would be nice."

"See you then," and in his inner monologue, "Score!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Cox sits leaned back in a chair against one of the Ten-Forward walls. Kelso enters; he spots him and walks slowly over. He sits.

"Ah, hostess, one cup of tea – Earl Grey, hot," he looks back at Cox whom sips his drink, "number one – you're just the man I was looking for. I --- is that _**beer**_ I smell?"

Looking back apathetically with not even a blink, "Oh no – ya caught me."

"You know alcoholic beverages are illegal for consumption on or off duty onboard a starship?" Kelso raises his now famous upped brow of disapproval.

"And I suppose that's regulation weight you're sporting there. Though of course when I say _'sporting'_ I refer to you as the prey. The big fat targ that runs & runs from it's merciless Klingon hunter, but in the end is captured because, gosh darnit – there just aren't trees that thick on the home world."

Kelso, pretending to come out of a daze replies, "Oh, I'm sorry," smiling, "I tend to just sort of wonder off during relentlessly boring crap," heavy on the last word in a pissed tone.

"Well, this was fun; we should not do it again some time."

"The reason I'm here is because I want to replace our helmsman."

"Kryton?"

"Yes."

"Why?" asks Cox.

"He's a machine."

"And?"

"And so is my replicator, but I don't put it in charge of Ten-Forward."

"I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with you there, Bob-O."

"How come?"

"Even though he doesn't come equipped with a heart of the ability to feel gut instinct, by george I bet you if any of us came under danger he'd just a be flailing his arms around in the air, spouting in mono, _'Danger Will Robinson, Danger!'_ – regardless of how he feels at the moment toward any of us."

"I don't need an oversized nerd's hobby having access to out key systems. Perry, for the love of god he's ten times stronger than us and doesn't feel pain. About all I can do in a fight is kick him in the family jewels, but I don't think he has any."

"He's honest. You can barter that on any planet."

"Have you ever read _I, Robot_?"

"Can't go with ya on this one."

"Fine, we'll drop him at the nearest Starbase and ensign Keith can take over."

"And survey says: NO. article 52, section E clearly states: all key personnel cannot be replaced or reassigned with out the approval of the captain and commanding officer. And since I NAY, that means tough luck."

"Perry," Kelso intertwines his fingers and leans in slightly, "why don't you like me?"

"I don't know … maybe it's because you're prejudgemental; maybe it's because I'm buzzed; or maybe it's because you sent Carla's father to his death when you commanded you previous ship."

"Oh yeah. She still doesn't know, right?"

"No, just me. And you're gonna have to live with me of the rest of your life."

Kelso blurts out a snorting laugh, "If you haven't noticed, I'm more than half-way dead."

"Noticed? If that cover bun was any tighter you'd have two giant manly uniboobs."

"Yes, and I'm sure you just don't shave your forehead for the look of it. I wanted you to do something else."

"Ignore you? Oh, bob – you don't have to ask," with heavy, dry sarcasm.

"I want to eliminate one of the key personnel. If they have time to have drinks, then the positions can be merged into others and one do the load."

"Gee, bob – I don't know if I can do both your job & mine. Though I guess the Senior Citizens discount on Risa would be a big plus."

"That was an interesting attempt at humor – completely unoriginal and over a century old, but nonetheless," gets up and struggles to pull down his uniform over his flabs of fat, "after the survey of Glornack 7 I want you to report back to me on what you think of the all the key personnel. And Perry – be honest," and eases away and as he strides passes the hostess he grabs his drink from her trey.

…

Kelso enters the bridge, supping his gusto.

"Status report, Mr. Jada?"

"At current speed & heading we will reach Glornack 7 in approximately one hour."

"Excellent. Sweet cheeks, why don't you be a dear and remove you firm buttocks from my chair and to your station and give me a tactical analysis?"

"Sorry," Elliot says and heads for it.

"Sir, my shift is up, may I go?" asks Jada.

"Very well."

Jada spins around in his chair and stands. As he enters the main lift he looks at Elliot – who smiles as she reads the analysis to the captain.

…

As Jada approaches his quarters he sees the Janitor with a hover cart full of tools next to the entrance. He walks around him – watching as he does so and stops when his doors don't open.

"Very funny, let me guess: there is a strip of gold-pressed Latinum jamming it?" says Jada.

"Nope. Door only responds to my commands."

"Why?"

"Something to do."

"Can you please explain the nature of what it is we are doing?" asks Jada.

"It's a thing."

"A person, place or object?"

"No, more like a game," shakes his head.

"I see. And if I win?"

"I still torture you."

"I see."

"You do?" the Janitor says surprised.

"You are insane," and in the Janitor's voice, "Computer, open doors."

They whisk open.

"Better luck next time," Jada says as they shut.

"_**Hey! No fair!**_"

…

…

Turk stops at Carlas' quarter's doors. He presses the door chime button. He waits and hears nothing. He does it again, with the same results.

Holds the intercom down, "Answer me, woman."

The doors whisk open to reveal Carla in a tight, short dress.

"Damn," his eyes widen.

"You're early. You always have that problem?"

"Baby, you look fine. Finer than fine; you create a sex bubble around you that makes my heart feel like it's in the air."

"That is perhaps the most creative thing any man has ever said to me."

"I pity those men and their inability to rule like me," he says cockily.

"And there's the offset," she comments.

The doors close behind her.

"Where are my manners," he extends his bent arm out; Carla puts an arm through it. They enter a turbolift.

"So, where are we going?"

The doors shut.

"It's a surprise. Computer, deck 6."

It beeps in recognition and the lift ascends.

"What made you change your mind?" he asks her.

"Giving it some thought I realized I might have been too prejudgemental."

"And it had nothing to do with my overwhelming hotness?"

"Yes, because ego is so attractive," Carla replies sarcastically.

The lift beeps and stops. The doors whisk open.

"We're here," says Turk.

"Deck 6?"

"Yup. I bet you don't know where we're going."

"The Arboretum."

"How in the _Hell_ did you know that?"

"I've been studying ship schematics to find faster emergency routes incase both the turbolifts and transporters go offline. Plus it's the only place you really can go on deck 6, unless we're having a date in someone else's quarters."

"Lovely and intelligent. Baby, that a double whammy."

"Hum, whammy. Is that a technical word?"

"Technically … sort of. Behold the Arboretum!"

The large orange-ish doors open at a slower pace to reveal the two-story, spacious area with trees, grass, flowers and more.

"It's amazing. Sure didn't have one's like this on the ambassador class vessels," she says as she looks about.

"Come on – I got a section cornered off just for us."

They walk in.

…

Jada's doorbell chimes.

"Come in."

The doors whisk open to reveal Elliot in a tight, long, and hole-revealing dress. Her cleavage greatly accentuated.

"Your dress is quite esthetically pleasing. Many of my sub processors are attempting to trace its design lineage."

"Is that good or bad?"

"I believe the explicative, DAMN, covers that. Does it not?"  
She smiles, "I like hearing you talk."

"Thank you. Have you met Spot?"

"I thought it was just going to be us," she runs her fingers up his chest.

"Spot is my cat."

"Cat? Cats hate me!"

"I am sure Spot does not hate you."

Spot comes walking out an adjacent room, "HisssS!"

"Frick!"

"No, Spot."

"HisssS! Meorawwwwwlll!!!"

"Frick! Frick! Frick!"

Spot gives chase and attempts to bite her toes.

"Spot, no! Someone does not want feline supplement 9 later tonight," shaking a finger at Spot.

Elliot jumps on his work station, "Frick! You suck!" to his pet.

Spot gets on his back legs and takes swipes at Elliot. Jada comes over and picks Spot up.

"I will put him in the bathroom," and walks off.

Spot looks over Jada's left shoulder, "HisssS! HisssS! HisssS!" and meows in a deep, low threatening rumble.

Jada walks back, "Sorry about that. I have never seen Spot react that way to a non predator."

"Did you put a security clearance on the door?"

"I do not think my cat can speak."

"A friend of mine had a cat who could access emergency subspace channels. Cats are evil & plotting."

Picks her up by the waist and lowers her down, "Shall we commence dinner?"

"Sure."

"Computer, two apple tinis."

They materialize. He picks them up and places them on a table he has set up.

"Oh, and pie," raises an eyebrow in a suavey manner.

"Please specify flavor and crust," says the computer.

"Bread crumb crust and apple flavoring, with partial chunks."

"You have pie for dinner?" asks Elliot.

"Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, I find it interesting. Any music?"

"Computer … Toto."

"Please specify song."

Frustrated, "Random song, computer, random!"

…

"It's beautiful!" Carla exclaims. Looking about she sees a white quilted blanket with pick nick basket and amenities; rose peddles scattered about and multi-colored balloons float about at random elevations. "I have a feeling you're expecting something to happen tonight."

"Baby, if all I wanted to do is _get some_, I could have programmed Hallie Barry into the Holodeck. I thought you had a hard first day and might need some unwinding."

"All this just for me? Seems a bit much."

"You should see what I'm gonna do to Jada's room."

"The robot?"

"Android, and you two need a start over. He's just trying to be human; doesn't have that proper language thing down yet."

"I guess I could."

"Darn right you could; I did despite the bitchy way you were earlier."

"Bitchy? Let me tell you something: I've worked darn hard for almost ten years to get where I am. You know how many people made the final list of selections? Five. People dream of serving on the Sacred Heart. Maybe I'm a little bitchy from time-to-time, but I think I deserve that privilege."

"Starfleet specifically chose me, and I can do all my duties without bitching – even when Ensign Doug kills another key system."

"Enjoy the pick nick," and she walks off.

"Carla!"

…

Jada & Elliot sit and eat pie.

"So, what do you think of the Sacred Heart so far?" she asks.

"I find the ship to be a remarkable combination of functionality and comfort. Also, it is really pretty."

"And the crew?"

"I find the crew to also be remarkable, but in a semblance of troubled individuals. I expect many reassignments."

"Tell me about it; the captain treats me like I barely even register and the first officer seems to hate everyone."

"I am sure that is not true. He just hates the ones he has met. He told me his quarters were 'gay'."

"What did you say back?"

"I replied, 'Happy, sir?"."

She snorts apple tini out of her nostrils, "Sorry," wipes it away with a cloth, "that was friggin' awesome."

"Yes," sips some apple tini, "I am quite sure it pissed him off."

"Let's do something else," she says and gets up.

"Like what?"

She walks over to him seductively and he stands, "Something … romantic."

"Flowers and a walk on the beach?"

"I was thinking something more … _sex_ual," and her dress slips off onto the floor, revealing her in nothing more than skin, "you can do that, right?"

"I am fully functional."

Kissing him on his chest, "Um hum … I bet you know how to please a girl."

"I am programmed in various techniques…" thinks to himself as his eyes grow wide, "that's a lie!"

"Get in here!" and grabs him by the uniform, pulling him toward his bed.

…

…

"Are you sure you're even doing that right?" asks Jordan.

"I'm programming the computer to ignore your commands, so yes – yes I am doing it right. But gosh darnit, I bet you can sense I don't give a damn. Did I ever tell you about the _damn_ I don't give? I … don't give a damn. My – that was just as gratifying as I thought it would be," smiles self indulgently.

"Oh, that reminds me – I need to finish my list of reasons why Fisher is a better lover than you."

Cox smacks the consul and pushes the station chair back so hard it hits the ground on it's side, and he walks off.

"Improper input command."

…

…

Elliot & Dorian lie in his bed, naked; her wrapped around him.

"That was amazing. I've never met a man who could do … what you did. And you could adjust the girth and length!"

"And vibrate," he adds.

"That to! It's like I've found my sexmate."

Taps his comm. Badge, lying next to him, "Lt. Dorian to browngineer."

"What's up my romantic replicant?"

"Computer, play gong sound in current comm communication."

_**GOOONNNG!**_

"Yeah, now that's what I'm talking about!" comes Turk's voice.

"What was that for?" asks Elliot, confused.

"Oh, that is our sex gong; whenever one of his _'gets some'_, we hit it to celebrate and let each other know what has transpired."

"So, what … I'm some kind of conquest for you?"

"No, I was just letting Turk know it worked."

"What, your plan to get me into the sack? Just because I slept with the Kobayashi Maru test instructor, my Quantum Leap Physics teachers, and all my third year Starfleet Academy semester roommates, doesn't mean I'm some kind of prize to bang and brag about!" she grabs her dress and runs to the door.

"Wait, you do not understand."

"Tell if to your next conquest!" and she runs out the door, naked.

"Oh – blond officer," the Janitor watches her run away.

"Elliot!" he stands there, naked as well.

"You seem unhappy. I like that," and the Janitor continues walking away.

"What else could go wrong?" Jada says.

_**EerrREH, EerrREH!**_ The red lights flash.

Cox's voice booms over, "Red alert, captain to the bridge!"


	6. Chapter 6

Kelso steps out of the main turbolift; Jada follows behind. Jada sees Elliot at Tactical and quickly glances away. He sits in his chair and spins the Ops station to himself. As he taps the keys, Kelso speaks, "Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Captain, that sensor ghost is nearly upon us and charging weapons. The computer says it's configuration matches that of a Ferengi vessel," says Elliot.

"Ferengi? Why do damned, rarely encountered races we don't even know _what th__ey__ look like_ have to attack on the first mission of _my_ new command? It'll be a damn spot on my permanent Starfleet Record," Kelso shakes his head and comments aloud and to himself, "Lose one damn ship and they never let you forget about it."

"They're taking a defensive posture," says Elliot.

Jada speaks while pressing buttons fast, "Scans show their weaponry are comparable to our own. Also, it's the prettiest shade of orange."

Cox comes in from the main turbolift.

"Ah, commander – glad you could join us during work hours," comments Kelso.

"Permission to give a damn," Cox says as he makes his way over an sits adjacent to Kelso. Jordan looks away.

"Lt. Reid, do you think it would be possible to take out their primary weapons systems?" asks Kelso.

"Hold on, Lt.," says Cox, "Have you tried talking to them?" Cox asks Kelso.

"Look, I'm kind of in a hurry, do we have to?"

"Starfleet regulations, Bob-O."

"Very well, open hailing frequencies, dollface."

"Frequencies open," Elliot replies.

"This is captain Robert Kelso of the Federation starship U.S.S. Sacred Heart. Why don't you be a good unconfirmed report and point those laser beams someplace else, okay?"

"No response, captain," says Elliot.

Kelso looks at Cox and suggests, "Not even a warning shot? Say … across their bridge…"

"All they've done is charged their weapons and attempted to look all mean & nasty like a pregnant Naussican midget. Nothing we wouldn't have done ourselves."

"Yes, but they stalked us. We are without provocation," says Kelso.

"And shields," adds Jada without looking up.

"Oh yeah … raise they shields, Mr. Jada."

"Hail them again, Barbie," commands Cox.

She quivers for a second than shouts frustratedly, "I have a name!"

Cox turns around and look at her, "And you also have three seconds to get that channel reopened before I come over there and do it myself and if I have to do that, but Kahless I'm going I'm going to beat you senseless like an Orian pimp daddy."

"Frequencies open," she replies scared.

"Good girl. Ferengi moon-shaped vessel, this is the commanding officer. Just want to know why you're following us."

No response.

"Look, no one's angry with you-"

"I'm angry," blurts Kelso.

"Except the captain. I'm sure if you just open frequencies we can talk this out. And gosh darnit – we all wanna know what you look like. Are ya pink? Orange? Green like an Orian slave girl-"

"Slave girl, Sacred Heart?"

The screen flickers and the large image of the Ferengi captain comes into view. Large rounded ears and a stubby nose catch everyone off guard.

With big eyes Kelso blurts, "Good lord he has a butt on his head."

"I am DaiMon Todd of the Ferengi marauder Inyourendo."

"Look demon, why have you been ghosting us the passed couple days?" asks Cox.

"You traveled in our space without permission and scans show you have an inordinate number of females onboard you vessel."

"I guess _mother may I cross you space_ won't do it, huh?" says Cox.

"This is why I had to stop listening to my operas for? Pumpkin, charge all phaser banks & arm photon torpedoes and fire when ready."

"Delay that order," Cox turns to Kelso, "You can't just go around indiscriminately killing other races when they cut into your free time. Our mission is to seek out new life, remember?"

"Say Perry, who has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Me – Bob Kelso. Lt., blow them out of the stars."

"Uncool. The ToddMon is not happy with the sudden turn of events. I especially do nt wish to get blown b an entire ship. You know what I'm talking about?!" puts his hand up for a high five.

"Don't even think about touching those buttons, princess," looks at Kelso, "That time to save you wrinkly old keister has hit you like early menopause."

"How dare you. I was traveling the stars when you were still in diapers."

Cox leans in, "Would ya like me to tell Carla now or later?"

Kelso raises his eyebrows and says coyly, "Number one, you have command," and sits back in the command chair.

"Look, DaiMon Todd, I'm sure if you came aboard we can discuss this. The United Federation of Planets has no record of current of past Ferengi space; we were unaware of our transgression."

"Trans what?" says a confused Todd.

"Our bad," says Jada.

"Oh. Sounds cool. And that 'come aboard' line was totally double entrandra-ish. DaiMon Todd out."

The screen goes back to Glornack 7 and the Ferengi marauder facing them.

"K.I.T.T., why don't you and your engineering buddy escort demon Todd to the Ready Room since you two seem to be the only main officers with good moral standing."

"Aye, sir," taps his badge as he walks to the main turbolift, "Dorian to Lt. Turk, please meet me in Trasporter Room One."

…

Turk & Jada enter the transporter room.

"Awaiting coordinates, sirs," says transporter chief Keith.

"Thank you ensign," Turk folds his arms and stands next to Jada, "I bet you understand this love thing now, eh? What with the gong show and all. You two gonna go out again?"

"She said I was using her as a conquest and ran away. I don't think she likes me anymore."

"Give her time to cool off, then talk to her. Women are always jumping the emotional gun. Trust me."

"Ready for transport," says Keith.

"All right, let's see what these Ferengi look like. Energize," says Turk.

The pad illuminates and it rains millions of points of silver lights, materializing the Ferengi captain.

"I am DaiMon Todd."

Turk goes wide-eyed and in an excited squeaky whisper he says into one of Jada's ears, "_He has an ass on his face!_"

"I am Lt. Dorian and this is chief of Engineering, Chris Turk. We are pleased to meet you."

"Not in that way, right?" asks Todd – holding his hands out.

"I do not understand," says Jada.

"No sir. We're all ladies' men here. In fact, my mechanical compadre here got some last night."

"Awesome! Nookie high five!" Todd turns to Jada.

"Hit his hand with your opposite; it's an expression of excitement," Turk says to a confused Jada.

"Oh," he slaps Todd's hand. He stiffens and look out blankly while commenting inside, "I hate showing the Todd love."

"Your hand is something to behold; it didn't even budge when mine hit it. I respect you for this."

"Come on, we'll take you to the captain," says Turk.

They walk out into the hall.

"You're not a hu-mon," looking funny at Jada; he touches his skin, then grabs his ass.

"I believe that is inappropriate," says Jada.

"The Todd appreciates all forms of life."

"And to answer your question, no – I am not. I am an android. Not a robot as some people say. You see, the difference is-"

"Shhh – there she is."

They turn to look. A sexy white brunette with long hair & short dress uniform approaches; the view slows down and her hair blows about and the ends of her dress flip up. They gook.

"Who is that hot bowl of sex soup?" asks Todd.

"Ensign Tisdale. Since she came aboard three days ago, her profile has been accessed 903 times," says Jada.

"Ow, sorry," she holds down her dress as she passes by them.

Turk comments, "Hum, environmental systems must be malfunctioning."

…

…

"Come."

The doors to the Ready Room whisk open and Turk, Jada & Todd enter.

"Ah, Mr. Toad."

"Todd. So you're the captain, huh? I expected someone thinner."

Kelso squints an eye and stares, "Tell me – do you fart out of that thing."

"I believe everyone is forgetting the issues that need addressing," says Turk.

"I'll dress the issues. I'll dress them all night long. Yeah!" Todd puts a hand out for a high five.

"Just do it so we can move along," comments Turk.

Jada high fives Todd.

"Captain, we've got some very serious grievances to address. The very thoughts sicken me," says Todd.

Kelso leans back in his chair while intertwining his fingers and resting the hands on his noticeably bulging stomach, "Yes, yes – the warping threw your space shabaz."

"It is far worse than that."

"Did we his a shuttle full of puppies?" says Kelso sarcastically.

"I have seen an inordinate number of hu-mon females in cloths. Just on the way here we passed a clothed ensign named Tisdale."

"Ahhh … ensign Tisdale … yes…" Kelso grins and looks up slightly in thought.

"This is totally wrong on so many levels."

"Perhaps we should just let them all run around in their birthday suits," says Kelso.

"That would be inadvisable," comments Jada.

"Shhh – not now," Turk says to him.

Kelso looks at Jada with a fake smile and says, "Why don't you just let me handle the captaining, okay?"

"You work, arm and force them to wear clothing? Dude – that's messed up."

"Well, how do you do it?" asks Kelso.

"On my world all women are naked. It's awesome."

"And on your world there must be a surplus of paper of paper bags."

"For what?" says Todd confused.

"If your woman look anything like you do, I know I'll need one for her face. Is this what I got out of bed for?" comments Kelso.

"DaiTodd is offended. I came aboard in hopes this all could be worked out – and I don't mean doo doo. But you know – all I've heard are insults to my people's ways and the way we look."

"I'm sure he does not mean it. Not many people know, but captaining can be tough. Sir, is that not right?" Jada looks at Kelso.

"Hold on," fiddles around with the PADDs on his desk. Several minutes go by.

"Sir?" asks Jada.

"Just a second, sport," and he keeps looking. He then looks under the desk.

"Sir, are you trying to find something?"

Kelso pushes himself back up from under his desk and says, "I can't seem to find my Give-A-Damn-O-Meter."

Todd folds his arms.

"Ha ha, sir," Turk slaps Kelso on a shoulder, "that's a good one."

"Don't touch me," looking over in a warning way.

"I think this was all a waste of time. I should have just unloaded on you. Oh yes, all puns intended."

"Look here Toad, as much as I'd like to see naked woman prancing about while I do the Captain's Log, I'm not going to throw them back into some dark age system of oppression & denigration just to make friends with you. As for the space trespassing, file a complaint with the United Federation of Planets. So, unless you got something useful to add…"

"Dude, you're gonna regret this," and Todd walks to the doors and they whisk open. He enters the bridge. Jada & Turk follow.

Turk points to Todd, "Ah, ah, Mr. Cox!"

Cox turns and snarls.

"I mean – commander! Stop him," the last two words really low.

Todd puts his arms out to his sides and then points at his head, "I can hear you, you know. My ears do take up half my head, hu-mon."

"What seems to be the problem, demon?" asks Cox.

"Listen, dudes – it's not 'demon', 'toad' or whatever else you got."

"Owww, he's gonna kill us all," says Jordan.

Jada & Turk look at her worried.

"I'm dead inside," she adds.

Kelso strolls onto the bridge, "Oh, you're still here?"

"Not any longer. DaiMon Todd to the Inyourendo, transport."

"Wait, please!" says Jada.

Todd vanishes.

"Thank god that's over. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to go have dinner," says Kelso.

"Ahhh, sorry to interrupt you there Bob-O, but I got a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay – _spawned_ by the space devil himself, did that p'tahk forget to give you a hug before he sent you on your interstellar way?"

"What has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Me – captain Kelso; I thought we'd met?"

Cox retorts, "Is that anything like the damn I still don't give?"

"Well, somebody better give something – they're about to fire on us!" yells Elliot.

"Crap," Jada says in his mind.


	7. Chapter 7

The ship shakes.

"See? I wanted to obliterate him, but you just had to make peace with Dumbo; now we're all probably gonna die," says Kelso.

"Barbie!" yells Cox. She doesn't respond and he looks over to not see her, "Barbie?"

The ship shakes again.

"Commander?" she pops her head out from under the Tactical half crescent.

"What are you doing?"

"Duct & cover; battles are scary!"

"Man your damn post! Unless you want to find out how scary _I AM_."

"Sorry," she stands.

Cox orders, "Target their primary weapon system's array. Blow the system, not the ship, Leia."

"Firing, sir."

A bright orange beam strikes part of the Inyourendo and pieces blow off the ship.

"I guess its strange luck neither of us raised the shields," says Turk.

"Oh yeah dollface, bring them up, will you?" says Kelso.

"Sirs, receiving a transmission from them," says Elliot.

"On screen," orders Kelso.

DaiMon Todd appears, "Uncool, Scared Heart."

"Gosh, we weren't particularly fond of dying either," says Cox.

"As soon as my weapon's unit has been serviced, I'm totally blowing you away, and I don't-"

Cox signals for Elliot to mute communications while Todd talks, with a slashing motion at the throat. She does nothing and he does it more angrily.

"Oh!" mutes it, "I thought you were threatening to kill me," and laughs.

"Undecided," looks at Kelso, "this has got to be handled delicately & gently."

"Ah, that's what I told that Orion Slave Girl on Omicron Persei 8. She was good and we spent many nights in hot, torrid trysts, but eventually I left, and you know why?"

"You developed a rash, sir?" comments Turk.

"Yes, but I left because I have better things to do -- sort of like this. Sweet cheeks, set a course for where the hell ever."

"Delay that order, princess. Bob, if we leave now this could lead to an interstellar war."

"Pft – war. Back in my day we fought Tholian soldiers, cut off their antennas and wore then around our necks like trophies. Hell, we even battled the Klingons for a bit and won even though they were technologically moiré advanced."

"You want to fight? Declare war on your barber, but let's keep Federation casualties down, okay?"

"What ever. Let's just remember who the bad guy is, okay?" says Kelso.

"He's still on subspace," Elliot reminds them.

"Cut the sound back on," Cox orders and then looks forward to the view screen, "DaiMon Todd."

"What?"

"I'd like to apologize on behalf of the captain. I assure you we mean not harm, but we had to defend ourselves. Maybe we can reach a peaceful resolution."

"The Todd appreciates your efforts to reach out and touch him."

"As a goof faith effort we're going to allow you access to our library so you can learn about our culture. Lt. Turk, set up an access line for his computer."

Turk activates the Engineering Ops station and taps in commands.

"Sacred Heart, I'm going to need some time to chew this over."

"You take however long you need," says Cox.

"DaiMon Todd out."

Kelso looks at Turk, "Status report, Lt. Turkleton."

"Not too bad, just some bumps & bruises. Couple conduits blew on deck 12, nothing serious."

"When can you have them done?" Kelso asks.

"If I can get Jada's help, an hour."

"And what's wrong with ensign Murphy?"

"Sir, I don't believe we have that long," replies Turk.

"Fine. Mr. Jada, assist Turkleton in Engineering."

"Yo ho, captain."

"Huh?"

"Yes, sir."

"Come on," Turk signals for Jada to follow. Jada gets up and looks briefly at Elliot as he joins Turk in the main turbolift.

"Darling, what's the status of Inyourendo's weapon systems?" asks Kelso.

"Moderate damage. I think it'll be two or three hours before they're functional."

"Good, that gives us one hour at least. And if I ever see you cowering under Tactical while in battle again, I'll have your ass in the Brig so fast you'll think it'll have achieved transwarp."

"Sir, it's just that I get scared when the ship shakes and all I think about is when my dad used to rock me back & forth to sleep until that time he dropped me and-"

"Lt. Reid, this is not Bring your Problems To Work Day, this is just Work Day."

Kelso's voice comes over and her lips quiver, "COME," and the whisking sound of doors.

CUT TO Commander Cox entering Kelso's Ready Room. He sits across from him.

"Report," says Kelso and then he sips some tea, with a sandwich in the other hand.

"I'll start with the second-in-command, Lt. Elliot Reid. She's twitterpated, shy, and hurt easily. Aside from wiping her tears off the consul every 15 minutes, by goly – she can operate that thing. When I gave the order to fire on the Inyourendo, she didn't hesitate or stumble and second later we were firing. A fast response is a good response. She just needs time for adjustment."

"Fine, we'll keep her," presses some buttons on a PADD.

…

Jada walks down a corridor. A tool sticks out from an adjoining hall, halting J.D.; the Janitor steps out. He moves the tool around in the air and in a mocking, authoritative tone, comments, "_**Phasespanner!**_"

"What do you want?"

"I've always wanted one of those floating island thingies on Risa, and a beautiful woman to make sweet love to – that won't run away. That and a place for my army of stuffed tribbles."

"Ah huh," Jada replies impatiently.

"What? I can't dream? My rank not high enough?"

"You do not have a rank, you are a repairman."

"I see," the Janitor frowns and takes a deep breath, exhaling it purposely heavily, "because I'm a repairman, that means I don't deserve love and happiness. The grey jump suit must mean I'm lower than you. Well, message received."

"That is not what I meant."

"No, it's all right. I'll just lead an unfulfilling life of reading other people's personal communications and holographic woman. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"You know what? Yes. Yes I would like that. I will sneak in late at night and deprogram the reproductive organs from all your holographic woman. And then I will simulate laughter."

"Computer, what time is it?" asks the Janitor.

"0920 hours."

"Hey, what a coincidence – that's your ass kicking time," holds the phasespanner up in a defensive way.

"Easy Chewey," says Turk and pulls Jada along with him by an arm. He lets go and Jada follows as they walk, "sorry about that – had to check on Commander Beardface's replicator. So, Elliot won't talk to you, eh?"

"No. It was never my intent to hurt her and ….. you appear to have a cracker under your collar," pulls it out.

"It's a saltine. One of us hides it and the other looks. You ever play?"

"Only normal games. Does this mean I win at Saltine-zies?"

"Nice try, but no. Okay, here's what you do with Elliot: nothing."

"Wow. I am glad I have you around to pass this wise and knowledgeable advice to me."

"You really want that butt plate kicked, don't ya?"

Jada stops, and Turk stops with him, "First person to deck 12 wins deckzies."

"Oh, it's on!" and they both take off running.

…

Carla goes through some medical files on her desktop computer.

"Franklyn, where are those test results? I needed them five minutes ago."

Franklyn comes around the corner, "Maybe if I squint my eyes real hard and concentrate, I can teleport back in time five minutes and tell you they won't be ready in five minutes."

She spins around and puts her hands on her hips, "Frankly, I will beat you."

Franklyn smiles, "But this one is ready," and hands her a PADD. He turns to walk back to his station.

"Hey – don't loose that spark, I like it," Carla says to him.

He smiles again and turns around singing, "I'm too sexy, yeah. I do my little turn on the cat walk. On the cat walk!"

Carla smiles and states reading the PADD; it's Turk's test results. She notices at the end a comment had been added: Baby, don't hate me.

…

…

J.D. dances awkwardly and in his inner monologue says, "As I did my deckzies dance from beating Turk to deck 12, I could not help but wonder about the Ferengi captain. While I had never addressed him by name, hearing others make like of it and his appearance made me wonder about humanities growth as a whole. If insulting those you are unfamiliar with is what it is like to be human, then perhaps I needed to reset my goals in life."

"Okay, we're here," Turk sets down his tool carrier and starts to open a Jefferey's Tube. He puts the panel on the ground and picks up his toolkit and slides it in, then crawls in after, "All right, follow the leader, but don't be looking at my ass."

After Turk is far enough in, Jada enters as well. He opens a tricorder and scans.

"Which way?" asks Turk.

"Seven meters forward," and points with the tricorder.

They crawl on their hands & knees.

Jada speaks, "So, nothing, huh?"

"Right. She's just angry because she believes what she said was right. Did you see how she looked away from you when you glanced at her in the turbolift?"

"If she had powers, I would be stone," says Jada.

"Relax. She wasn't looking away because she hates you, that look was because she's had time to think out the situation and realizes she overacted."

"Really?"

"Listen -- there are only one of two ways this will go: either one, she'll approach you and attempt to apologize – and you best not forget to do so yourself."

"But I did not do anything."

"It doesn't matter; women eat up that apology shtick."

"What is the second?"

"You'll have to approach her. And in a timely manner. If you don't you'll miss that window into the orbit of live."

"Hum…" crawls along.

…

"If genetic engineering wasn't outlawed, I'd have two mouths," Kelso speaks while chewing a bite from the sandwich and still holding the tea cup.

"Chief Engineer Christopher Turk. I got to be honest, I haven't had much interaction with him, but that man is a damn fine engineer. The adjustments he's made to some of the systems are a stroke a genius. And the guy is a hell of a diplomat. In my opinion it would be a mistake to lose an officer of that stance."

"Fine," presses a button and sips his tea.

…

Jada presses some buttons on the tricorder and continues following Turk.

"One more meter. And your posterior is so firm & round – do you exercise?"

"You wanna be my friend of not?"

"Sorry. That conduit right there."

"All right. Watch the power flow while I disconnect it; don't want this thing cinging my eye brows off."

"Output levels in acceptable norms. Turk, is it common to insult the ones you meet?"

"Why do you ask that?"

"Both Kelso and Commander Cox made light of his name and people. Even you commented on _Night of the Living Dead_ to me in Engineering."

"A classic by the way."

"But I have not done so to you or anyone in this crew. In fact, I have never once in my existence knowingly made an unkind comment to anyone on purpose."

Turks sighs and looks down, "Sorry about that. People aren't perfect. We make mistakes. Hell, when Starfleet switched from the red uniforms to these tight ass things, I put my pips on vertical wise in my shoulder, like it used to go. Hand me the coilspanner. Why are you so interested in a few off-hand comments anyway?"

"When Dr. Sam Dorian created me, the villagers feared me. When I made my first attempt into town to talk to them, they insulted me. In a way I understand when DaiMon Todd is experiencing with us."

"Dude, that is deep."

Some sparks fly and Turk backs up quickly, banging his head against the ceiling, "What the hell?!"

"Power levels were within acceptable norms," smiles, "I win at spark-zies."

…

…

Cox strolls into engineering.

"Oh, hey Mr. Cox," says Doug.

Cox snarls and his nostrils flare.

"I mean … Commander."

"Good boy."

"Can I help you with something?"

"Don't you have something you should be doing," says Cox.

"Yeah, but the computer does most of the work."

"I guess that means you're as useless as a spent isolinear rod."

"No – I do stuff; watch this," Doug stands up and a data PADD falls off his lap, "Oh," he leans down and picks it. His comm. Badge falls off.

Cox folds his arms impatiently, "I'm having the sudden uncontrollable urge to use you for phaser practice."

"This doesn't normally happen," he puts his badge back on and moves over to put the PADD on the work counsel and trips over the station chair. He catches himself before falling over by the counsel keys.

"WARNING: Systems Failure," says the computer.

"Out of my way Rejection," and Cox taps some keys.

"Systems Restored."

"There you are. Perry, we need to talk," says Jordon.

Cox turns to see her, "I hope by _'we'_ you mean ensign Systems Failure over here. And by golly I give you about five minutes before he breaks you."

"Don't give me that macho man routine. I can read you mind, remember?"

"how about I just give you until the count of five – at which time I'll just transport you over to the Inyourendo and let demon toad have his way with you," and walks off. She follows.

"You're actually enjoying the thought of that."

"Look," opens a large hinged panel, "you compared my love making techniques to a man who used to e my best friend, and … and – here's the kicker – destroyed out relationship. You're so far into my mind you still don't even realized how you hurt me. Forrest threw the trees, Jordan."

"Fine, you're right. Maybe I don't. But it's been a while since that happened and maybe both if us being assigned to the same ship is a sign to try again."

"And?" making sure to let her know all that was clearly not sufficient.

"And … I'm sorry."

"Heh heh," laughs, "by the Prophets themselves – did I just hear Jordan Sullivan apologize?" smiling cocky.

"You gonna accept it or what?"

"Maybe I have a Ceti Alpha V eel in my ear, but can you repeat that?"

She sighs and roll her eyes, "I'm-"

"Wait. Computer, record Lt. Sullivan. Go ahead," folds his arms and grins.

"I'm sorry."

"Computer, end recording. This … this is a time for celebration."

"More drinking alone, huh?" she retorts.

"A celebration?" Doug walks over from ease dropping, "cool. For what?"

"We found you replacement," says Cox.

"But I need this job; my parents think I'm the Chief of Engineering."

"I think I speak for all the Engineering staff when I say: I'm shocked you didn't manage to kill them."

Jada & Turk walk into Main engineering.

"Turk is in the house! That's right you subordinates, it's the _**Chief**_!" he struts over – moon walking.

"That wasn't showy or contrived at all," says Jordan.

"Counselor, you're reading the mind of a genius. Welcome to the mental landscape of smarts & all knowing that is Turkland – population, Turk!" snaps his fingers.

"Is that not also called multiple personalities?" says Jada.

"Be quiet! I have something to play for you all. Gather around. Come now – gather around and let Uncle Cox play you a bed time story. Computer, play recording; loop."

"I'm sorry. Computer, end recording. I'm sorry. Computer, end recording. I'm sorry. Computer, end recording. I'm sorry."

"Ha!" Jordan laughs.

"Computer, stop play back."

"Here I came to you to apologize, but I guess you're still the egotistical, narcissistic officer you were back then."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

Folds her arms as well, "It's like trying to cross the Great Barrier of Stubbornness."

"I think I'll go do some standard stuff. Doug, get over here!" says Turk.

"The only thing that you've changed is your hair color and boob size. Assuming they're not holographic."

Jada stands there and thinks inside, "This is bad. I got to stop this. I got to say something."

Jordan lifts her chin, then turns to Jada and asks, "What do you think, Pinocchio?"

He blurts, "Banana Hammock!"

"See there? You've gone and broke my android," says Cox.

"Senior officers to the bridge," Kelso's voice booms over.

"I've got to go command the ship, but you can continue talking to yourself," he turns to Jada, "Oh, and Rosey – when I get a free moment, I'll defiantly be making fun of you for that comment," and bangs into Jada's left side as he leaves Engineering.

Jada looks at Jordan, "I like bananas and my creator used to have a hammock."

She stares at him, unblinking.

"You know, swaying back& forth. Nice summertime with a good book and appletini," sways his arms back & forth, "weee…"

"ROSEY!" comes a yell from the hall.

"I should probably go."

"Ah huh."

He makes his way quickly for Cox. Jordan unfolds her arms and turns to head for another exit out of Engineering; Carla exits a turbolift.

"Chair bitch," says Jordan.

"Nice outfit. Any brains come with that cleavage?"

"Ohhh, that's so cute – you told a mean joke. Here's a wowiipop," Jordan says and pretends to hand Carla candy.

"That reminds me – I got something for you," Carla reaches into her right pocket.

"What?"

Carla quickly injects Jordan with a hypospray, "_10ccs of Nappy time!_"

Jordan falls to the floor cold.

"Bitch," and looks up to see Turk.

"That was awesome," he exclaims.

"It's my mad doctor skills I hear."

"We good or are you going to huff & puff and blow my Engineering house down?"

"I'm sorry I blew my top at you earlier. Kelso's got me so stressed out. You know what he wants me to do?"

"What?"

"Fully update all key personnel's medical files. And he's trying to bribe me into falsifying his upcoming medical exam."

"I wanna apologize too. Thinking back I know I came off a little self-centered and blunt. I'll admit – that's part of who I am, but I could have been a little more sensitive."

"Thank you. I'd like to ask you out this time."

"As long as I don't have to put on a dress, I'm cool with that."

"And if I want you to wear a dress?"

"Hell no I won't wear a dress," he puts his hands on his hips and looks around to make sure it's safe, then says in a low voice, "I especially wouldn't want to wear anything right & revealing."

Pushes him back playfully, "See you later, Romeo," and leaves engineering.

Makes a fist, "Yes!"

"Turk…" comes her voice.

"Sorry," he yells out and then lowers his voice, "yes."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Jada jogs to catch up to Cox. As he passes an adjacent connecting corridor and he catches site of the Janitor hiding and watching him.

Jada turns around while jogging, "Janitor…" and trips and falls, "Whoop!". He gets back up quickly.

He slips in sideways as the turbolift doors shut.

"By Kahless, Rosey – you're slower than my quadriplegic grandmother."

"I am so sorry about your grandmother."

"I lied. Is this _not_ getting it going to be a thing with you always?"

"I have not been programmed in sarcastic banter yet, but if you wish-"

Cox whistles real loudly, "That's more than enough."

"How easily humans do that," comments Jada.

"Okay, here's what we're gonna do: we're going to stand here – and not side-by-side, Fembot – and not talk until we reach the Bridge. And by golly if androidly possible, not ever engage me in useless chat ever again."

"I spy, with my electronic eye, something … red."

Cox brushes the tip of his nose with a hand, "You did that on purpose."

Grins, "I know, and it was lovely. Turk taught me. Commander Cox, can I talk to you?"

"Not if it involves exchanging words."

"It's about DaiMon Todd."

"Those sound like words."

"I do not think it is right the way we treated him. I wanna make things right."

"Computer, halt turbolift," it stops and Cox says, "why?"

"What do you mean?"

Shakes his head back & forth, "**_Why_** do you care?"

"Because … it is the right thing to do."

"No."

"We should all learn to get along together?"

"Agh ah, try again.""People have treated me like that and I did not like it. I am not programmed for emotions, but … if I were human, I assume I would cry."

"Right answer. You wanna endeavor to be human, great. But if you want to endeavor to be another festering bolye on the ass of mankind, then go get a shuttle and fly yourself the hell out of here. Just saying what you did gives me comfort that if & when you do achieve a level that resembles human states, you'll make a damn fine one."

"Thank you, sir."

"Computer, resume course."

"Maybe we can get together sometime and hang out."

"So not going to happen. Oh, and Cherry 2000 – you tell people I've been dispensing the Feel Goods, I will rip your arms off. And since I know that won't kill you, I will proceed to beat you senseless with your own appendages. And when you're lying there – helpless & malfunctioning – and asking me _'Why, sweet merciful Coxniator, why?'_, I'll say: because ya told them."

"You are a cruel man."

"With your arms," Cox accentuates that last words and air drums; dum da da dum, da da dum, da da dum, da da dum!

The main turbolift doors whisk open and Cox bolts out, Jada in tow. Elliot looks up briefly at him.

"Where is the counselor?" asks Kelso, grumpily.

Cox replies, "You ought to lay off her Bob-O. I mean, it does take time to train a horde of flying monkeys."

Kelso taps his comm. Badge, "Captain Kelso to counselor Sullivan; when I said key personnel to the Bridge, I meant precisely that."

No answer.

"Fine. I'll deal with you later."

…

Kelso leans back in his Ready Room chair, "Who's next?"

"Let's see … Barbie and Gandhi are covered … guess Carla."

"What about the Counselor?"

"Transfer. She's bossy, crude, emotionless, and she makes my life a never ending Hell."

"Is that so?"

"Kahless as my witness," replies Cox.

"Well, then I guess we'll just have to keep her."

…

Kelso turns to the Bridge crew, "I called you all here because the Ferengi captain has agreed to come aboard and talk. Obviously he doesn't like me, so I need volunteers to be liaisons."

"Me, sir," says Jada.

"Anyone?" Kelso look around the Bridge, ignoring Jada.

Cox, who is sitting down bored, says loudly, "All those in favor of the captain, raise your hand."

All hands go up on the Bridge.

"Fine, Mr. Jada, since you and Lt. Turkleton seemed to form a report with him last time, then you two will be responsible for peace relations."

Jada looks at Elliot, who is looking down, then back at Kelso, "And Lt. Reid."

"Why?"

"I believe the lieutenant can help teach DaiMon Todd about human females."

"That sounds like an excellent idea," says Kelso.

"Really?" Elliot says surprised and with pride.

"Lt. Reid, that was called sarcasm. I just want you off the Bridge."

"Oh," in a low tone of disenchantment

"Well, just don't' _stand_ there; what are you all waiting for? A kiss good-bye? I'm gonna tell you what I told Admiral Ingrid: never gonna happen. You know the way to Transporter Room One."

Jada taps his comm. Badge as he gets up, "Lt. Dorian to Lt. Turk: shindig in Transporter Room One, player."

"Acknowledged. And stop trying so hard," says Turk.

"Come on," Jada says encouragingly to Elliot. She presses some buttons, then follows him into the main turbolift. As soon as the doors shut, they both blurt out, "I got something to say!"

"You go first, but just a second," says Jada, "computer, deck six. Okay, go ahead."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too," Jada replies right away.

"For what?" she asks.

Jada stands in a deer outfit as a bright light comes upon him and a honking sound, then flashes to him looking blankly as her. He speaks to himself, "I have not said anything in three point six seconds. STALL!" he says aloud, "Your facial blemishes have cleared up quite nicely."

"Oh my god, there aren't any more are there?! I used three topical creams and even set my Type A phaser to it's lowest setting to burn them off."

"Did it work?"

"Nurse Franklyn used a dermatological regenerator. There was blood everywhere!"

"Do not take this personally, but … you are insane."

"Of course I'm insane you idiot. Remember the other day when you said there was hair on my right boobie?"

"I named it Bavmorda."

"Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half-hour since you told me that. I am racked with self-doubt, I have panic attacks, I'm claustrophobic, germ-aphobic, phobia-phobic. I talk to myself, I talk to the computer, I talk to three separate shrinks via subspace about the fact that often the computer responds to me in my mother's voice and yesterday when that pretty black Ops girl looked at you as you left your post, I almost picked up a phaser to melt her eyes into raining white powder. Why white? 'Cause my dad had an affair with a female anit-matter storage inspector, and as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, are you happy?"

"If I were programmed to experience emotions, I believe fear would be the appropriate one. But I am not, so relax."

The lift stops and the doors whisk open. They exit and start waling.

Elliot speaks, "I overreacted. I reach this state where all I think about are crazy things. Did I enter the sequence right? Is my father secretly listening to me and judging me? Are my boobs perfectly horizontal? It's hard to be normal."

"It was not all your fault. I just did not know enough about humanity to realize how bad what I did was."

"Apology accepted. This won't affect our friendship, will it?"

Jada looks at her as she turns around in front of the entrance to Transporter Room One; the doors whisk open and the air pressure blows loose a piece of hair across

Her face and lips, "Nah … I do not think so," he says with unwavering confidence.

"Energizing."

"Damnit, ensign Keith – you are supposed to wait for my command!" barks Jada.

Turk materializes and jumps onto the floor from the pads.

"Boo yah! Who's your engineering daddy?"

"You are. But I beat you here, so I win at … whatever I feel like calling this."

"Everyone gets lucky now and then," looks at Elliot, "I do not believe we've had the pleasure, hi – Chris Turk," extends his right hand.

"Elliot Reid," shakes his hand briefly, "So you were the one listening to that Sex Gong, huh?"

"Sorry about that"

"How come I never hear you sending Jada a Sex Gong communication?"

"Ah-"

"Oh, that's right – you must not be getting any," she mocks.

"Heh, heh, heh," Jada pretends to laugh.

"What are you so jolly about? You aren't even programmed to laugh anyway."

"Just seemed like the appropriate moment."

Keith interrupts them, "Inyourendo is signaling it's ready for transport."

Elliot steps forward and snaps the fingers on her left hand, "Energize."

DaiMon Todd shimmers into existence.

"My lobes are tingling," he feels them.

"Hi, I'm Elliot Reid."

Todd raises an eyebrow, "And you know what else is tingling?" points to his crotch with both hands, "Toddland."

"Um. How inappropriate," says Elliot.

"Welcome back aboard Mr. Todd. We'll do everything to make your stay a good one. And if it's any consolation, we don't much like the captain either," says Turk.

"I want to apologize on behalf of the captain for this behavior. I respect who you are," Jada adds as well.

"Rule of Acquisition number 34: War is good for business. I'm good either way."

"I guess the captain's not that bad a guy. I retract my earlier statement," says Turk.

…

Kelso lifts the PADD and presses a button, "Next?"

"Ensign Doug. I only mention him because if Lt. Turk was incapacitated, he'd take over. And that scares me."

"What do you suggest?"

"Transfer. I swear, that young man has killed so many key systems, I'm starting to think he just might be a Tal Shair operative."

"Already tired. Starfleet Command won't take him back."

"Moving on then…"

…

Some doors whisk open.

"This is your assigned diplomatic quarters. My buddy and I's shifts are nearly up for the night, so we're fixing to head onto bed. If you need anything, just ask the computer."

"Computer, bring on the nukie," raises a hand, "you know what I'm talking about!"

Jada fiddles with Turk who is trying to raise one of his hands, "No, you do it."

Todd slaps the control panel next to the doors; it beeps, "All right – electronic five!"

…

Kelso gets up from the captain's chair, "Computer, begin Night Shift," he gets up as the luminosity on the Bridge lowers, "Number One, you have the Bridge. Good night and good luck," he heads over to the main turbolift.

Cox sits in the chair and lays back, with his hands behind his head, "I am not to be disturbed. Anyone who dares to disturb my pond with their ugly pebble will suffer," he closes his eyes.

…

Turk sighs with relief as he approaches his quarters. He puts hi right hand on the wall propping him up, then breaths – hanging his head down, then walks toward the doors; they whisk open. Carla is standing there in a sexy dress.

Though with some excitement, Turk's tone isn't as peppy, "Baby, what'cha doing here?"

"Told you I'd see you later."

"Damn you Puerto Ricans know how to surprise a guy."

"I'm Dominican."

"Sorry."

She looks him up & down, "Take your clothes off."

PHEW! He's standing there naked, "Now what?"

"Get in here."

He walks in and the doors shut on his bare black ass.

…

Jada and Elliot walk side-by-side down a corridor.

"So, are there others like you?" she asks.

"As far as I know, I am the only one. I guess you could say I an unique."

"Must have been so lonely."

"Not really. My creator had spare heads incase mine was damaged, and I used to program them to speak. We would read poetry to each other and do plays. Great thing about programming your own friends – they never give you any guff.

I actually still have one. I put an anti-gravity lift on the bottom so it floats eye level with me. I call it: Floating Head Lieutenant."

She smiles and speaks after a brief pause, "I used to take a knife and cut mouths & noses into apples and stick the seeds in as eyes & teeth," he looks as her funny, "I grew up on an apple farm. By the way, I wanted to thank you for sticking up for on the Bridge. In fact, that's the second time you've done that for me."

"Hey, do not worry about it."

They stop at her door.

She looks coy and puts her hands together, down in front of her, "You wanna come in?"

"No. I mean _yes_, but … I want a relationship redo."

"Very noble."

Jada kisses her on the forehead, "See you tomorrow."

"Good night."

"Dream about electronic sheep," he waves as he walks away.

Her doors shut behind her, "Frick – now I'm gonna think about evil robotic sheep."

…

Jada approaches his quarters and once again sees the Janitor standing there – laughing.

"What is so funny?"

"This," he uncaps a cylinder and splashes Jada's crotch.

"What is it?"

"Coolant."

"Coolant? How did you get Coolant? You need at least a Level 3 security clearance to gain access to Coolant."

"Repairman," points at his uniform," like I don't' have the codes to everything. Looks like someone changed out of their cadet uniform a little early."

"You know, I am stronger than you," says Jada.

"Yeah, but you're not gonna do anything."

"What makes you so sure?"

"'cause ol' captain Kelso doesn't like you. He's just waiting for you to screw up. Ow," splashes Jada again, "you should really have that bladder checked; might be defective."

Jada walks in as his doors open, "… gonna teach my cat to bite you," says as the doors shut, "while you sleep," and the doors finished closing. He turns around and blurts, "Hey!"

Jordan is standing there.

"What are-"

"Take your cloths off."

"Yes, ma'am."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Jada looks over at Jordan who is lying naked in his bed sheets, asleep. He pokes her.

"Not now Perry, I'm sleeping."

"0800 hours; I believe your shirt begins in one hour."

"Oh, you," she says groggily, struggling to lift her eyes open, "what are you doing up so early?"

"I do not require sleep."

"Lucky you," she gets up and reaches for her cloths on the bed's end. She picks them up, stands and starts putting her one-piece suit on, "why'd you do that?" she asks him.

"Do what?"

"Take your pants off."

"You ordered me to."

"Really? That easy?"

"I am obligated to obey any direct order from a higher ranking officer."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah," sort of nods curiously.

"Take your pants off again."

View of Jada's white, pasty legs as he pulls his pants down quickly. She stares from between his legs, and tilts her head to a side, "Nice…"

"Can I ask what it is we are doing?"

"Making Perry jealous."

"Commander Cox?"

"Is there another Perry Cox onboard?" Jordan says sarcastically.

"I do not belie-"

"Relax Pinocchio – that was sarcasm. What are you? New out of the box?"

"That would be sarcasm, too – correct?"

"I-"

Jada interrupts, "No, I was just messing with you; Turk taught me. It was awesome," he grins.

She just stands there and looks at him.

Inner monologue, "She is not leaving. What does he want? She is not saying anything. _I_ am not saying anything. This is becoming awkward – say something. Something normal," he then speaks aloud, "your vagina is quite esthetically pleasing," darts his eyes around, knowing what he just said. She still stands there. He thinks again and says, "Was there something else? Do you require more sex?"

"Do you have my comm badge?"

He pulls his pants up and whips out his tricorder and taps in some commands quickly, "I have tied in the tricorder to your comm. badge signal."

"Couldn't you just look for it?"

"I could, but pressing buttons is fun," he lifts his chin in pride and then says, "Ah," as the tricorder beeps. He walks over to behind a couch, "Spot has it. Spot, let go of the comm badge."

"ooohhhrrruuu…" it growls in it's bellows.

"Hum. I don't know why, but I'm sensing your cat is thinking about that blond security girl."

"Here is your badge," he says quickly, trying to detract from that discussion.

She clips her badge on and says while doing so, "Okay, I'm out of here."

"Wait, you are not going to tell Commander Cox about this, are you?"

"No. Probably not. I really don't know; however the mode strikes me," and walks toward the doors non-chalantly.

"'Cause I am not worried or anything!" he yells out as she exits his quarters. "Sweet merciful Toaster Heaven – he will have me disassembled and beat me with my appendages. I need a plan. Turk will know what to do," the doors whisk open as he rushes at them, "I just love it when the doors whisk o-"

"Hold it," the Janitor puts an arm out.

"Now what? Do you ever do any work?"

"I fix a few things here & there. Mostly I just follow you around. Track you – like an animal."

"What if I take my comm bade off," he throws it into his quarters.

"Computer, locate the mechanical life form."

Soft yellow lights on the black display panels light into an arrow and point at Jada.

"Ew – there you are," the Janitor says.

"Just tell me what it is you want so we can get this over with."

"I noticed you left your quarters."

Jada shakes his head, "So?"

"And so did the Counselor."

"Maybe I needed counseling."

"All night long?" says the Janitor.

"What will it take to keep you quite?" Jada says lowly and quickly.

"I wanna be an ensign for a day."

"What? No! You have not even taken the Kobayashi Maru test."

"You know, my great, great grandfather co-invented the Kobayashi Maru simulator."

"No he did not," says Jada.

"He could have. Why are you knocking on my grandfather?"

"I am not – how do we even get to these places?!" exclaims Jada loudly, with his arms out, palms up.

"I don't know, but I think it involved a left at Albuquerque."

"See? There you go again!"

"It's my way."

"Well, you are going to have to find another way; Starfleet regulations prohibit non officers from performing or wearing a duty uniform."

"Oh well. When the time comes, I'll let you know what I want."

"Good. Computer, lock my quarters. My authorization only."

"Acknowledged."

"Have a good Janitorial Day," Jada walks off, smirking.

The Janitor chews on a button lip, "Huh."

…

Elliot paces quickly as Todd tries to keep up.

"No!" she shouts.

"But it's tradition!"

"I don't care if it means averting war with you for all eternity!" she rebukes loudly as the turbolift doors whisk open in front of her.

Turk and Carla let go of each other from a kiss. He straightens up and she whips her lips.

Elliot looks before Todd does, "Huh – you two-!"

Todd raises his right hand in anticipation.

Turk blurts out, "That's right – baking cookies all night long."

"Oh," Todd puts the hand down in disappointment.

"Were they good?" she says lowly to Carla.

"They were delicious. I think we'll be having some more tonight."

With a fist, Turk exclaims, "Yes!"

"You must really love cookies," says Todd.

"Hell yeah, I _LOVE_ chocolate chip!"

"Will you two take care of DaiMon Todd for me?"

"All right – threesome five!" Todd's right hand shoots up.

Turk high-fives him, "Only because you earned it," looks at Elliot, "you got a shift coming up?"

"Actually I already started but Todd here keeps bugging me."

Turk turns his head to a side and puts his hands on his hips like a parent scolding a kid, "Is that true Mr. Todd?"

"She won't do the traditional Ferengi hand shake."

"Why not, Elliot?" asks Carla.

Elliot folders her arms, "It's the special _female_ customary hand greeting."

"How's it go?" asks Turk.

"On Ferenginar it's customary to juggle the rack of new female acquaintances."

"Well, here in the Federation it's customary to put your ass in the Brig for that. Sorry captain, you can look but not touch."

"What kind of backward culture is this?" says Todd.

"We'll be glad to take Todd here around," says Turk.

"Thank you!" Elliot says then shoves Todd into the turbolift.

"Lower…" he says.

The door shuts.

"Frick – small hands…"

…

Furious fencing takes place in a medium-sized grey room with yellow rectangles in the middle of the floor like a sidewalk.

"Make me work a double shift, will ya?!" Laverne thrust forward with her foil.

She lets he guard down and Kelso leaps in, pressing the foil's blade into her chest; it beeps.

She takes her mask off, "I don't like this sport. I'm too fat & old for sports. What kind of victory is it when you beat a 300 year-old black woman anyway?" putting her hands on her hips.

Kelso removes his mask, "I could have sworn you liked it last week when you got me twice. And isn't it 600 plus years?"

"It's 300 in el-Aurian years," she rebukes.

"And on the moon I weight trice as less. Now," he sits on a bench they had been walking to and wipes his face with a cloth, "let me point out where you sucked today. We'll start with your foil dipping."

"Tell me about my dipping foil again and I'll fence your biscuits right off."

"Understood," he says, "wanna go again?"

"Give me a minute, will ya? I weight nearly my age."

"My legs are tired anyway," Kelso adds.

As Laverne wipes her face as well, she says, "I hear we have a Ferengi as a guest. Is that wise?"

"Probably not, but since I'm in charge now, I can blame everyone below me."

"You know, I don't understand this. I assume you've read all the rumors about how they treat women."

"Everyone's so uppity about war these days that I just had to play nice. I got some of the key personnel taking care of him; I can't talk to Big Ears anyway."

"Sure you can. Have you ever tried telling him what he wants to hear? 'Cause I got a feeling you babbled to hear your own voice."

"Why don't you just go ahead and install a replicator internally and eliminate the middle man."

"See? Just call a little meeting with him in your office and find out your common interest. You may find you got more in common that you thought."

Kelso puts the mask guard back on and comments while coming to a stand, "Hum."

…

Jada backs away from Elliot's quarters, "Computer, is Lt. Elliot Reid in her quarters?"

"No."

Jada starts down the corridor to the turbolift, "computer, current location of Lt. Elliot Reid."

"Turbolift three; destination, deck six, section 14."

Internal monologue, "She is coming! Check posture … posture erect. Smiling? Smiling. Check the quaff!" he stops and looks into a black display panel to smooth back his hair.

WHACK! The Janitor bongs Jada on the back on the head with the phasespanner.

"Why?!" he smoothes back the frazzled hair, "is this what you wanted?"

"No, I _needed_ that."

"Well, could you stop hunting me while I do my job?"

"Not hunting you. Some kid painted the walls down the corridor," shaking his head pissed. Stop shaking it and looks at Jada directly, "Was it you?"

"No, go away. Or I will instruct them that it is a class project to pain an entire deck."

"Touché," turns and stops briefly, "you got a panel open on you head."

Jada looks up and the Janitor flicks his nose.

"No really, you got a panel open," and heads to the corridor.

The turbolift doors whisk open and Jada quickly shuts the panel on his forehead.

"There you are – I've been looking all over the ship for you," says Elliot.

"Why did you not ask the computer?"

"I have this theory: every time I ask the computer for help, it tells my dad."

"Yeah … skipping passed that … have you seen DaiMon Todd?"

"Why didn't you ask the computer, Mister Smarty Pants."

"I did; the Todd did not put his issued comm badge on."

"Darnit. He was with me earlier. I left him with Turk & Carla. Oh – did you know they're a couple now?"

"I received a Sex Gong communication last night."

"Oh. What's up?" asks Elliot.

"I think I know a way to make peace with the Todd."

"Really? What?"


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10: "My First Finale"**

Jordan sits down next to Cox, on the Bridge.

"I think I get it now," she says.

"I'm all out of golden stars but by golly I can go replicate you a cookie in the Ready Room."

"Yeah, you're funny – I get it. But you know what else I get?"

"Thee uncontrollable urge to go away?"

"That apology was for what I did. I need to apologize to you, don't I?"

Cox takes his arms out from propping up his head and sits up straight, toward Jordan, "and Bingo was his name-O. Now that we've finally both gotten to the rendezvous point, where do you wanna go?"

Jordan replies "forward with our lives. You?"

"Back to the way things used to be."

"All-night stamina, with a firm non-wrinkly ass?"

Cox laughs while shaking his head back & forth, "You really are one sex bitch."

The turbolift 2 doors whisk open and Kelso walks in.

"Good morning, Bob-O."

"Same to you, Number One, now get out of my chair."

"Come on, we'll talk at my quarters," and Cox gets up and heads for the main turbolift.

Jordan catches up, "Perry, I cheated on you."

He stops in the turbolift and says as she enters, "Really?"

She replies after the lift doors shut, "Yes."

"Was this before your shift?" asks Cox.

"Yeah, why?"

"Then you haven't had breakfast."

"You don't care? Deck 8."

The lift descends.

"Dear Kahless, not even one sweet iota, bring on the bacon & eggs."

…

Jada and Elliot wait by a turbolift. It hums louder as it approaches and beeps before the doors whisk open after it stops. Turk and Carla are in there.

"What's up, T-1000?"

"I have an idea to make peace with Todd. I thought he was with you."

"Had to drop him off at a holodeck," says Turk.

"He kept grabbing my ass and said he was feeling for lumps," comments Carla, pissed.

"What did you do?" asks Elliot.

"I offered to give him some. I don't know if out species is ready to be friends with him yet."

Jada enters the turbolift with Elliot, "Where are you guys headed?"

"The Bridge. You've really loosened up with the language and all," says Turk.

"Word – I am down with the linguistic hipness, homie. Watch out – I am the verbal bomb."

"Too much."

"What's that smell?" asks Carla.

"I didn't fart!" Elliot blurts out. Everyone stares at her.

Turk takes a whiff and taps his comm. Badge, "Turk to ensign Doug."

A loud thud sounds and they hear Doug bending over, "Ah, yeah?"

"Stop fiddling with the environmental controls; I can smell gasses in the air."

"Sorry, fixing it."

"Turk out."

The lift changes directional heading and continues.

"My dad used to blame me when he farted in groups of people," says Elliot.

Carla says, "Uh huh…"

Turk, whose been elbowing her for the passed thirty second, says, "Come on."

"All right, all right. So, how are you doing tonight, Jada?"

"My system registers my functions at 100 efficiency."

"Translation?" asks Turk.

"Oh. I am doing fine. How about you?"

"Okay, I guess," her arms still folded as she speaks.

"Do I make you uncomfortable?"

The lift changes directional heading again and ascends.

"Well, it's just…" she trails off, looking down.

"Here – I will teach you what Turk taught me: relax."

"Remember what else I taught you?" says Turk, hinting to try again.

"Make faces at Kelso when he's not looking?"

"No, the other thing."

"The G-spot?"

Carla smiles and laughs a little.

"That thing you best do yourself, remember?"

"Right. Carla, I did not mean to offend you. Here – let me hug you," moves in quickly with his arms extended like Frankenstein.

She pushes him back with a hand on his chest, "no, that's all right – I forgive you."

The turbolift stops and the doors whisk open; Cox and Jordan stand there.

Cox stops from whatever he was saying before the doors opened, looks, and spouts, "Barbie, Gandhi and Dotmatrix – that's okay, I'll wait for the next one."

"Sir! Jada has an idea to make peace with Todd!" blurts Elliot.

"Woman!" exclaims Turk as he covers his ears.

Cox looks at Jordan.

"I'll sit this one out, thanks," she says.

"Jooorrrdaaan," grabs her by an arm and pulls her back as she tries to escape, "If I got to suffer, so do you. Couples do stuff together anyway, remember?"

The doors whisk shut with them all in.

…

There is blackness. Kelso snorts as he wakes up in the captain's chair and is surrounded by on looking personnel.

"Well, if you're all going to kill me, make it quick. Oh, and I regret nothing, so bite me."

"We're a little busy to _off_ you right now, Bob-O, but we do need your approval."

"Fine, in the Conference room."

He gets up and they follow him into the room and seat themselves, except Jada.

"What's the big whoop, Mr. Jada?" asks Kelso.

"Sir, so far our people have butted heads not merely over words, but the cultural differences. We could talk all day, but unless it is something he wants to hear, I believe we shall achieve no new ground."

"You know, Mr. Jada, that is actually a good point," nods to himself, "So what do you got to say that you think he'll be inclined to listen to?"

"Sex."

"Pardon me, Lt.?" asks Kelso.

"By golly, our helmsman is multitalented," says Cox.

"I believe Todd is what humans would call _'Horny'_, sir," replies Jada.

"Well, duh," says Elliot.

"See, I knew we'd have something in common," Turk adds.

"Here it comes…" warns Jordan.

"Mr. Jada, even at my old age I get horny."

"Oh dear Kahless," Cox covers his ears.

"But I take care of business and get back to work."

"That's more than I needed to know," says Carla.

"So I hope we came in here to hear something more than about his stiff alien Johnson. Even I have one on occasion."

"Yes, sir, but what he doesn't have is a human female. Trans-species curiosity."

"Mr. Jada, I'm sure Ferengi woman have vag-"

Elliot interrupts, "SHH! SHEE! Vaginga, sir. I have this thing-"

"VAGINAS, too," he cuts her off.

"Come on, Bob-O – you're telling me you've never wanted to get it on with an Orion Slave Girl? Or are they not equipped with squeeze boxes?"

"I'd like to be excused," asks Elliot.

"Sit. Well, how do we even know he's compatible?" asks Kelso.

"I can take him to Sick Bay and run some tests," Carla suggests.

…

…

Kelso sits, bored with the P.A.D.D. in his right hand in the Ready Room, "That's about it, right?"

"Two more."

"Who's next?"

"Carla. I like her; she stays. Of course, there's always the option of blackmail."

"That's one peg for you Perry, but eventually I'll sink you battle ship."

"Look, maybe all you people forgot that one of us will be expected to take one for the team. And I'll tell you right now – I'll cut my womanhood out, deep-fry it, and serve it with ketchup to myself before I let that little troll near me," says Jordan. She reads their minds, "Oh good – everyone got it."

"Not necessarily," says Cox, "I think with some assistance we can convert a T-9 energy converter into an artificial female whoo-ha. And Lal here can make the body."

"Yes … yes … excellent; get right on it. Meeting adjourned," Kelso gets up and leaves before everyone else, quickly.

"K.I.T.T., come. Oh and when you feel the urge to utter things from that digital vocal processor, remember you _inside voice_. I don't want to be bothered if I'm on fire. I don't want to be bothered if I'm in the bathroom. By Kahless – I don't want to be bothered even if I'm in the bathroom, on fire, and having a heart attack. Now, follow the master, robopup," he takes off at his fast pace.

"But if I cannot communicate with him, how will we work together?" Jada asks Turk.

Turk slaps him on a shoulder, "Work that out when we get there. Come on."

"Don't worry, Bambi, Carla will protect you."

Jada stands there and for a moment … just a moment – a millisecond in time for his positronic brain – he thinks he understands happiness; almost positive of it. He mimics human smiling.

"Come on, I'll tell you about what happened last night, on our way there," says Elliot to him.

They walk out.

…

Todd stands in Holodeck 3 with wide eyes, "computer, increase breast size; D-cup. You know what I'm talking about!"

The computer beeps an error noise, "Negative."

…

…

FOUR HOURS LATER. They stand in front of the T-9 sex doll convert.

"I … I love this moment so much I want to have sex with it. And by Kahless, T-9 here needs a test run anyway."

Carla whaps Cox on an arm.

"Jealous?" he says sarcastically.

"We did it; go Team-O-Rama!" Turk high-fives Jada, then Elliot and stops at Cox.

"Don't touch me. Listen up – you all did good and when Starfleet hears about this, they'll promote you all. But better yet, this may also mean a transfer," he comments aloud to himself as if checking off a mental To-do list, "Make peace with cone-ears, get on the captain's good side, transfer my shipmates … I may have accomplished my goals today."

Jada taps his comm. Badge, "Lt. Dorian to DaiMon Todd."

"Todd here," he replies to the Holodeck 3 comm system, "oh yeah … up & down, baby."

"Please meet us on the Bridge."

…

…

Kelso sits back in his chair in the Ready Room and sets the datapad down, "well, Number One, that just leaves Mr. Jada. This had better be good."

"Commander Dorian is a fine, upstanding officer. The simple fact of the matter is he gave a crap. I couldn't muster the damn that needed to be given and you were too worried about brunch. His only priorities were to do his job – and well – and make peace with the toad. And you know what else?"

"What?"

"You may not have liked him and I'll admit I didn't like him either. But he's Wonder Twins buddies with the chief engineer – don't ask, on Carla's good side, knocked boots with Barbie – so I hear, and made peace with a hostile alien we had nothing in common with. And if that weren't enough – I can actually stand the guy," Cox stands, "that's one hell of a replicator if you ask me," and tosses the P.A.D.D. onto Kelso's desk; it hits hard. Cox leaves without permission.

…

…

The main turbolift doors whisk open and Cox, Jordan, Turk, Carla, Eliot and Jada enter the Bridge.

"Where's Todd?" asks Jada.

"Who has the Bridge?" Elliot also questions.

"Actually, I do," Doug walks over in reply, "I'm just trying to find my communicator."

"Have you tried the airlock?" asks Cox.

"Rej, where's the Todd?" asks Turk.

"Captain Kelso is in the Ready Room with him."

"No doubt telling him of our glorious idea," says Turk to everyone.

Cox starts speaking and Jada's inner monologue starts, "My new command was turning out ot be good. Three friends, a commander who does not hate me that much and I have learned some important lessons in human interaction. All in all, a good day. As I said, each member serves a function to keep things running smoothly and while the captain may be a tough man, I feel he cannot ignore that."

Cox stands there with Jordan wrapping her arms around him and Carla watching Turk do a "dance"; peace-zies.

Jada turns to Elliot, "Let us have dinner at my place tonight."

"I'd like that," she smiles.

The Ready Room doors whisk open and Kelso & Todd walk out, still talking.

"Really?" says Todd, in a tone of disbelief.

"Yes, son. All yours."

Cox grins and folds his arms, commenting lowly to Jada, "By the by, this moment is so great that I would cheat on that other moment with it, marry it, and raise a colony of tiny little moments."

"I can't believe you went through all that trouble of designing an making me that. Dude, that's awesome," says the still ecstatic Todd.

"Actually, we-"

Kelso cuts Turk off, "Ignore them, they're just the work crew."

"Ah," says Todd.

"It was a lot of effort, but in the end I felt a step in the right direction would be good for peace between our species."

"All right, relations high-five!!!" Todd's right hand shoots up.

Kelso high-fives him; Turk and Jada too. Todd reaches to squeeze Jordan's boobies.

"Touch me and you die."

Kelso speaks, "Safe journeys, DaiMon Todd," and he shakes Todd's right hand; Todd looks down, not sure how to do it, but settles in quickly and gives a firm shake and smile.

Todd taps his Ferengi comm badge, "DaiTodd to Inyourendo, transport. Thank you again."

"We'll signal you with the coordinates. Bye-bye now," says Kelso, who waves and fakes a smile.

As Todd disappears in orange/gold shimmers of swirls, he says while looking at Jordan, "I bet she gives _great_ oo-max."

Kelso tugs his skin-tight suit up in a showy display of authority as he reaches his chair.

Cox sits in the Commander's chair next to him, "You stole my moment. And you shall pay."

"Get over it," a muffled comm badge sound emanates from under Kelso, then BLAM! A loud fart rips over the comm. He lifts an ass cheek up and picks from under him something.

"My comm badge – you found it!" exclaims Doug.

"Inyourendo is signaling they've received the T-9 sex doll," says Elliot while pressing some tactical display buttons.

"Good," says Kelso.

"Inyourendo is moving out of orbit," adds Jada.

"Very well," then Kelso sighs heavily, "Lt. Dorian, launch a Class 3 sensor probe into Glornack 7's atmosphere."

"Jada thinks inside his head, "As I entered the coordinates, it was then that I realized … things were gonna be okay."

Cox sits disillusioned, "I reconfigured an energy converter to sexually gratify an alien; not my proudest moment in command."

"Admit it – you enjoyed it a little bit," teases Jordan.

Cox laughs and holds one of Jordan's hands – only after she slaps it away the first time.

"Oh, I'm sure our missions will be much more exciting," says Kelso.

"Blow it out your ass, Bob."

FATOOM … the probe launches.

**-THE END-**


End file.
